HUNTAR, the unfortunate owner of the worst song of the summer.
HUNTAR, the unfortunate owner of the worst song of the summer.
Glassnote Records

HUNTAR and Gucci Mane's "Pony": The Worst Song of Summer 2017

In 1996, Ginuwine descended from a Heaven that only produces slick singer-dancers who cover their chests in baby oil. As his first gift, he partnered with Timbaland and Static Major to deliver “Pony.” In that world, Ginuwine strolled into a bar, barely buttoned his shirt and sung about wanting sex. The song was made infinitely more cooler by how Timbaland modulated his voice to say “Yeah” and decided to synthesize it. People played “Pony” everywhere: school dances, awkward romantic comedies, strip clubs, films and so on. Ginuwine built a career off of a song based around the cowgirl position.

The video also pushed race relations in a positive direction. At least until Blackstreet’s “No Diggity” came out a month later and we went right back to zero. By the way, how did we let a man turn Genuine into Ginuwine make it for so long? It’s the R&B version of Fabulous and Fabolous. We just let him live with it.

As a body-roll anthem, “Pony” is absolute perfection. It is the right mix of ridiculous sexual come-on: part corny, part sincere. By and large, no song about sex with an equestrian related metaphor should ever work. Ginuwine’s version of “Pony” works. The Jodeci version they used for a remix, worked.

HUNTAR’s version of “Pony” does not work.

In fact, we can already state for a fact that HUNTAR’s version of “Pony” is the worst song of the summer. We’ve already gotten a fun remake this summer when DJ Khaled found it to be bright to take Carlos Santana and The Product G&B’s “Maria Maria,” slap Rihanna and Bryson Tiller on it for “Wild Thoughts” and see the checks stack up. That song is the No. 2 song in the country and probably will be until we get sick of “Despacito.”

Instead, we’ve gotten the alt-right Starbucks version of “Pony” from a UK singer and Gucci Mane. Gucci. Do you know how hard you actively have to try to ruin something Gucci Mane did in 2017? Gucci Mane could run for Senate in Georgia if he didn’t have a lengthy criminal history, allegedly get cloned OR turn into one of the more inspirational post-jail figures in recent modern history. Spring Breakers reaffirmed the belief that Gucci was once probably the most fearsome man in Atlanta. Gucci Mane on “Pony” in 2017 feels like a turkey showing up to a flan-based Thanksgiving dinner and being told, “Forget it, they just watched What the Health on Netflix.”

Who Is HUNTAR?: A singer from the UK who more than likely was not born or was a mere infant when "Pony" first came into our lives. I don't need to explain Gucci Mane because Gucci Mane is ubiquitous and had probably the best 2016 of anyone in entertainment that is not currently squatting in the White House. Here, this is what HUNTAR looks like in action.

Why Does This Song Suck? I thought sexual come-ons in R&B had been buried in the 1990s and early '00s. Well, whenever we fully told ourselves we cannot, under any circumstances, listen to Robert Sylvester Kelly and barely tolerate Trey Songz. In the '90s, you could make a song based around a baby horse being a euphemism for your dick and people believed you. It made zero sense considering that we often referred to women as "stallions" aka a male horse but it just stuck. When a friend sent me this version of “Pony,” she only sent the first 30 seconds. Clearly she was protecting me from what was to come.There are sins in regards to remakes; the right personnel is high among them. The cardinal sin? Don’t strip all of the good things out of the original shamelessly. HUNTAR’s “Pony” makes the sex appeal from Ginuwine’s original feel like a stale Abercrombie ad.

Had this strictly been a YouTube-style cover of the original, the UK singer would have been fine. Instead it crosses over into generic EDM. The only thing saving it from being the absolute worst song of the year? We already know the lyrics to “Pony.” This is not Nicki Minaj attempting to explain sixth-grade metaphors on “Rake It Up.” Actually, Nicki Minaj and sixth grade have plenty in common in regards to fan base and reading comprehension, but I digress.

What Is Sexy About The “Pony” Remake? I’m glad you asked. The most offensive line to your sexual palate, or mine, comes from one Radric Davis, b/k/a Gucci Mane La Flare a/k/a Guwop p/k/a The Guy Who You Used To Associate “Lemonade” With Until Beyoncé. What did Gucci tell us? “Gucci Mane so freaky, I'll fuck you while you're bleeding.”

I should not, under any circumstances, be considering somebody’s menstrual cycle during the active portion of sex. Even if she may be peak horny during the first two days of her cycle, under zero circumstances should you decide to run that red light. Unless you truly get down like that and if so...God help you.

Want to know how blatantly offensive to the ears that line is from Gucci? They don't even censor "fuck" but immediately run to censor "bleeding." In short, nothing about hearing HUNTAR’s “Pony” in 2017 unless the situation absolutely, positively calls for it is sexy.

When Can You Play The Good Version of “Pony”? I’ll give you a hint as when it is absolutely, positively just right for a DJ or you, at home turntablist to cut on “Pony,” the Ginuwine version anyway. It has to be (a) at 11:25 at night; (b) in a crowded room full of people who were at least old enough to appreciate it; (c) when next to a woman who also knows what to do when “Pony” comes on; (d) in close proximity to a wall, or enough space to not have said woman bowl you over when you can handle her dancing; (e) it can only be played for precisely one minute and 48 seconds. No more, no less.

A song of the summer is supposed to elicit ideas of fun, calming joy over all the land. HUNTAR and Gucci Mane’s car crash of a “Pony” remake only invites terror and screams of “turn it off” and “burn it in hell.” Which, is not the fault of Gucci because this was an obvious gentrified check he chose to cash. Everything else? Something that should be buried and never spoken of, both in public and private.

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