Welcome to Ask Willie D, Rocks Off's advice column where the Geto Boys MC answers reader questions about matters, in his own words, "funny, serious or unpredictable." Something on your mind? Ask Willie D!
IN LOVE WITH 2 WOMEN
Dear Willie D:
I'm coming to you because you're like that cool uncle that everybody has. My story is that I was dealing with this female for two years. The relationship was pretty good, but I'm a man so of course I had other women that I flirted with. This particular woman I never cheated on but during a drunken weekend in Miami I left my phone in our hotel room.
When one of the chicks I used to flirt with called my phone, she answered. Naturally, this other chick goes to lying about how we were having sex and things like that. My girl believed everything she said even though about 80% of the lies defied logic. Knowing I hurt my girl, I told her I understood if she wanted to leave. She decided to stay and I knew it would be an uphill battle but we were both willing to make it work.
Fast forward to a year later. She was still bringing the situation up over any disagreement we had, from what to eat to where I was going. I just got tired of it and left the whole relationship. It's 2 years later and I have a new girlfriend but my mind still flashes back to my ex. Part of me feels like I should try to make it work - especially after hearing her dad died - but the other part of me loves my current girl. What's a man to do?
The feelings you have for your ex are normal after a breakup, especially when one believes he or she let a good one get away. However, the overall tone of your letter doesn't sit well with me. According to you, the reason you had other women you flirted with is because you're a man. Stop it! The entitlement card is played out. The reason you flirt is due to the same pretense that most people flirt: for attention and to boost their self-esteem.
You stated that your girlfriend answered the phone when another chick called and the other chick naturally started lying. I don't know what type of flirting you're doing but women don't just call your phone and naturally start lying to your woman about how they had sex with you. At any rate, if you plant seeds of doubt it will be difficult for your relationship to grow.
It's been said that women forgive but they don't forget. That may be true for some women, but from my experiences women don't forgive and they damn sure don't forget. If you break that trust with them, every single time you commit any transgression they will make you relive that past moment. So the best thing any man can do is not put himself in that position in the first place.
It's time to move on man. Love and be thankful for the woman you have now. The relationship with your ex is water under the bridge and the current is strong. Even if you are a lifeguard and you were raised by a pack of seals do not overestimate your swimming ability.
HUSBAND'S BROTHER SKIPPED HIS FUNERAL
Dear Willie D:
My husband fought a 3-year battle with pancreatic cancer before succumbing to the disease. While on his deathbed, among close friends and relatives, he requested to see only his brother, a niece and a longtime friend. His brother came to see him at the hospital but was noticeably absent at the funeral. I thought he might have been involved an accident or something. So I asked my daughter, who is his stepdaughter, to walk out of the memorial service to call him.
She called him several times over the course of the service, the burial ceremony and the repast but was unsuccessful. Later I found out that he went golfing with a friend. I can't begin to tell you how pissed I was. This wasn't some guy off the street or a distant relative. This was his brother; his close brother who has helped him many times financially.
I don't understand how he could disregard such an important moment and not pay respects to his own brother; the nerve of some people. I haven't spoken to him in 9 months and wouldn't miss any sleep if I never did again.
Miss Funeral Etiquette:
My condolences go out to you and your family for the loss of your husband. It's hard losing someone you love. It's double hard when your loss is compounded by the actions of others. Before you write your brother-in-law off allow me to share a personal story with you. When my mother died, my uncle who is her twin brother and professional boxing trainer did not attend the funeral. I was stunned. My anger mushroomed when I found out he left town to coach one of his fighters in a tournament.
I didn't speak to my uncle for over a year. Then one day I saw him at my sister's house and spoke to him in private about his decision to skip my mother's funeral. He told me because they were so close he couldn't stand to see her lying in a casket. That's when it hit me. Because I knew how much he loved her, at that moment I came to understand that people process death differently and you can't tell someone how to grieve. Some people become distant and grief-stricken while others choose to be more social and jovial.
I have been to funerals where people who were responsible for the death of the deceased have been in attendance. I also know old ladies who are funeral hoppers (people who attend funerals excessively). So attending the deceased memorial isn't necessarily an indication of how much you loved that person. It's a nice way to pay your respects but sometimes people who are present in spirit are more real than those who are present in the body. Call your brother-in-law and patch it up. That's what your husband would want.
I LIKE HIM BUT HE'S UGLY
Dear Willie D:
My aunt introduced me to a younger friend of hers. He is kind, considerate and generous but he leaves something to be desired lookswise. Because of that I have been slow to warm up to him. He is the nicest guy I've ever met. We talk on the phone often and have been out twice. Each time we went out I actually had fun but I hesitate to spend too much time with him because I'm afraid that I might start liking him.
If that happens, eventually he'll have to meet my friends and I'm embarrassed as to what they will think of him. What do you think about my dilemma?
What do you mean you're afraid you might start liking him? You already like him. You might even be in love and don't know it. Love is blind. It has a way of overlooking our imperfections and perceived shortcomings. I wouldn't put too much stock into what friends say. Besides, ugly dudes usually treat attractive women better than attractive men do because attractive men think they can always replace you.
Conclusively, beauty is in the eye of the beholder; and the more he'll be holding you, the better he'll start looking.
SPENDING MONEY I DON'T HAVE
Dear Willie D:
My motto is, "if you've got it spend it." I make about $90,000 a year and I live paycheck to paycheck. My problem is self-inflicted because I have a passion for flashing. I love name brand clothes, partying and eating out so much that I have burdened myself with $30,000 in credit card debt. I'm also behind on my mortgage and in the rear on my taxes.
I feel like such a loser because I'm single with no kids and I make enough money to live comfortably. But it's hard to not buy that Gucci purse when all I have to do is swipe my credit card. It's hard to explain, but living above my means is so much more exciting. I love the attention I get when I drive up in my new BMW.
It's equally satisfying when other women compliment my shoes or that hard to find dress I might be wearing. How do I regain control of my finances and at the same time find that same level of excitement within my budget?
Passion For Fashion:
Join the crowd. The way advertisers bombard us 365 days a year with must-have products in the media it's no wonder so many people are in financial ruin. The lavish spending promoted by flashy reality TV and music stars doesn't help.
We live in the type of society that says "if you can't afford to buy this or do that, you're nothing." So to make ourselves feel good - if only temporarily - we spend money that we don't have to impress people who in many cases don't even like us.
You're worried about the wrong thing. Instead of concerning yourself with approval from others, your focus should be maintaining a roof over your head and paying down your debt. To do that, you're going to have to stay out of the mall for a while and stop eating out - unless of course someone else is paying. Also, consider downgrading from your new BMW to a used cash vehicle. You might not get as many compliments but you don't want to get the repo man knocking on your door either.
PREVIOUSLY ON ASK WILLIE D
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