7:07 p.m.: Okay, so the sir who typically writes this column - Pete Vonder Haar, or, as he's also referred to: the Television Demigod - has a bit of personal business to tend to, so we're stepping in for him. I have seen exactly zero hours of American Idol in the last nine years. That seems less than ideal, but whatevs.
7:09: Commericals. Soda, Taco Bell. Preview for a movie called Super 8 that looks like it can only either be excellent or awful. They still make So You Think You Can Dance? Huh.
7:11: Show's back on. Question: Where are the rest of Ryan Seacrest's legs?
7:12: Lauren Alaina, apparently one of the show's last two contestants, is up. She doesn't seem terrible. It's easy country, mostly. She has a live fiddle player with her.
7:12:05: Wait, do I need to write "live," or is that automatically assumed when I write "fiddle player"? Has anyone ever had a robot fiddle player accompany them onstage? Herbie Hancock, probably. Man, Herbie Hancock rocks tits, son. Robot fiddle players are so boss.
7:13: Alaina looks a bit like a little girl whose parents thought it'd be a good idea to enroll her in a bunch of toddler beauty pageants. The crowd seems impressed with her. She's cool. Hopefully she wins. I'm very invested in this.
7:14: Commericals. Wendy's has the country's best French fries? Bullshit on that one, son.
7:15: Commercials. Oh snap. A movie starring talking animals and Kevin James, who is basically a talking animal? Awesome, awesome.
7:17: Scotty is Lauren's competition. Scotty's idol is George Strait. And George Strait picked the song Scotty is about to sing. And it's a George Strait song.
7:18: Jesus. They said he was 17. He sounds like he's 40. This kid is cool. Hopefully he wins. I'm very invested in this.
7:20: Second half of Round Two. Carrie Underwood is picking a song for Lauren.
7:22: Commercials. Cars 2? You're out of your balls if you don't think we're going to see that. Did you see the original Cars? It was amazing.
7:24: Lauren is singing "Maybe It Was Memphis." HOLY SHIT! THESE TWO ARE THROWING FIREBALLS AT EACH OTHER!!!
7:26: Are these two really the best from this season? They're not bad, but they're not interesting either.
7:28: Judges' Evaluations:
Randy: "Dude, they are both incredible." ... "Round one, slight edge to Scotty. Round two, however, slight edge to Alaina."
J-Lo: "I'm gonna go with Randy. Round one, Scotty. Round two, Alaina."
Steven Tyler: "First round and second round to Lauren, only because she's prettier than you are [Scotty]." ... "Most importantly, THEY'RE BOTH IN IT TO WIN IT!"
Evaluation of the Judges:
Randy: Why does he sound just like Keanu Reeves in Point Break now?
J-Lo: Man, she looks really good for a 60-year-old.
Steven Tyler: Man, he looks really good for a 600-year-old. For certain, he looks like what it'd probably look like if zombies had lips.