Film and TV

Idol Beat: The Beginning Of The End

7:07 p.m.: Okay, so the sir who typically writes this column - Pete Vonder Haar, or, as he's also referred to: the Television Demigod - has a bit of personal business to tend to, so we're stepping in for him. I have seen exactly zero hours of American Idol in the last nine years. That seems less than ideal, but whatevs.

7:09: Commericals. Soda, Taco Bell. Preview for a movie called Super 8 that looks like it can only either be excellent or awful. They still make So You Think You Can Dance? Huh.

7:11: Show's back on. Question: Where are the rest of Ryan Seacrest's legs?

7:12: Lauren Alaina, apparently one of the show's last two contestants, is up. She doesn't seem terrible. It's easy country, mostly. She has a live fiddle player with her.

7:12:05: Wait, do I need to write "live," or is that automatically assumed when I write "fiddle player"? Has anyone ever had a robot fiddle player accompany them onstage? Herbie Hancock, probably. Man, Herbie Hancock rocks tits, son. Robot fiddle players are so boss.

7:13: Alaina looks a bit like a little girl whose parents thought it'd be a good idea to enroll her in a bunch of toddler beauty pageants. The crowd seems impressed with her. She's cool. Hopefully she wins. I'm very invested in this.

7:14: Commericals. Wendy's has the country's best French fries? Bullshit on that one, son.

7:15: Commercials. Oh snap. A movie starring talking animals and Kevin James, who is basically a talking animal? Awesome, awesome.

7:17: Scotty is Lauren's competition. Scotty's idol is George Strait. And George Strait picked the song Scotty is about to sing. And it's a George Strait song.

7:18: Jesus. They said he was 17. He sounds like he's 40. This kid is cool. Hopefully he wins. I'm very invested in this.

7:20: Second half of Round Two. Carrie Underwood is picking a song for Lauren.

7:22: Commercials. Cars 2? You're out of your balls if you don't think we're going to see that. Did you see the original Cars? It was amazing.

7:24: Lauren is singing "Maybe It Was Memphis." HOLY SHIT! THESE TWO ARE THROWING FIREBALLS AT EACH OTHER!!!

7:26: Are these two really the best from this season? They're not bad, but they're not interesting either.

7:28: Judges' Evaluations:

Randy: "Dude, they are both incredible." ... "Round one, slight edge to Scotty. Round two, however, slight edge to Alaina."

J-Lo: "I'm gonna go with Randy. Round one, Scotty. Round two, Alaina."

Steven Tyler: "First round and second round to Lauren, only because she's prettier than you are [Scotty]." ... "Most importantly, THEY'RE BOTH IN IT TO WIN IT!"

Evaluation of the Judges:

Randy: Why does he sound just like Keanu Reeves in Point Break now?

J-Lo: Man, she looks really good for a 60-year-old.

Steven Tyler: Man, he looks really good for a 600-year-old. For certain, he looks like what it'd probably look like if zombies had lips.

KEEP THE HOUSTON PRESS FREE... Since we started the Houston Press, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Houston, and we'd like to keep it that way. With local media under siege, it's more important than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" program, allowing us to keep offering readers access to our incisive coverage of local news, food and culture with no paywalls.
Shea Serrano