Tonight's theme? "Michael Jackson Night." Thus, a lot of tears (and no lack of cruel laughter) are pretty much guaranteed - and the King of Pop won't even be there! * Ryan Seacrest outsources announcing duties to some nameless stooge. Hey, anonymous announcers need work, too. Toupees don't buy themselves! * This big kahuna stage set is like a night club from Xanadu or Buck Rogers, which probably wasn't the vibe the producers were going for. Or was it? * Lil Rounds very nearly negates the good will generated by her enthused performance of "The Way You Make Me Feel" with that stupid fucking poofy-pink shoulder ruffle. I'll never really "get" fashion, will I? * "You Are Not Alone" wasn't a good choice for The Sarvernator, was it? (Though: does an MJ deep cut exist that would've suited him, really?) Awkward. Kara: "You really showed that you can hit those notes." Not really, Kara; he showed that he's capable of kinda-sorta dodging high notes - just enough to con viewers into thinking they witnessed something amazing. There's encircling the melody in a technically dazzling way - think every Adam Lambert moment ever - and then there's what Sarver did last night. Totally different leagues. * Oh. My. God. Dudes! Did you catch that preview? Where Vin Diesel drove under a rolling, flaming oil tanker and shit? Fast & Furious is gonna be sick. * Kris Allen, you're way, way, waaaaay too young to be married. You're like a puppy. * Is Allison Iraheta a Lucky Strike chainsmoker or something? She's got that husky kind of voice - middle-aged-woman in-need-of-emergency-estrogen voice - and her jailbait-on-the-Sunset-Strip look tonight played, weirdly, against that. But - but - she and Lambert were the only contestant tonight whose performances couldn't be improved upon. * Jorge Nunez's name should definitely come up whenever some studio decides to reboot The Love Boat franchise and it's time to settle on somebody to sing the theme song. *Megan Joy Corkrey's brother is in the audience, just turned 21, apparently idolizes Puddle of Mudd frontman Wes Scantlin. Why the producers allowed Jackson 5 songs tonight is beyond me. Simon on Corkrey's juvenile selection of schoolyard double-dutch staple "Rockin' Robin": "What a stupid song choice!" Well, yeah, on its face, but think about it: "Rockin' Robin" is manna to whatever audience is eating up whatever's supposedly cute about her. PAULA ABDULISM OF THE EVENING To Scott MacIntyre, following his piano-assisted spin on "Keep The Faith": "It's magical seeing your instrument at your fingertips." Regrettable! WHO'S GOING HOME: Jasmine Murray and Jorge Nunez WHO SHOULD GO HOME: Jasmine Murray and Megan Joy Corkrey
Keep the Houston Press Free... Since we started the Houston Press, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Houston, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Houston with no paywalls.