Idol Beat: Told You So

Admittedly, I didn't think she'd go this quickly, but I always knew Pia was toast. I said as much last week when discussing the stranglehold pre-adolescent female voters have on the show. Why else have only three females made the top five the last three seasons? Was Lee DeWyze really better than Crystal Bowersox? Kris Allen better than Allison Iraheta (I'm honestly curious on that one)?

It's a valid question, because after Pia's elimination, the only females left on the show are Lauren and Haley, two contestants who aren't going to be nearly as difficult to justify booting as one of the few remaining legitimate singers the show had.

Still, it was almost worth it solely for the resulting angst.

The night started off, as these nights often do, with a medley. Maybe I wasn't paying enough attention, but if there's a thematic constant between "I Love Rock and Roll," "The Letter," and "Sweet Home Alabama," somebody please let me know what it is. "Songs Overplayed on Classic Rock Radio?" "Songs Covered By Britney Spears and/or Kid Rock?"

Next, the obligatory Ford commercial. There's no reason left to complain about these, they're simply you have to expect when you choose to watch American Idol, like the slow, inevitable dissolution of your immortal soul.

Then Russell Brand came out to give pointers about rocking out on stage, because he played a rock star in a couple movies and not at all because Arthur opens today (and looking at that 24% "fresh" rating on Rotten Tomatoes, maybe Mr. Perry should pitch another Forgetting Sarah Marshall sequel, stat.

Casey, Stefano, and Lauren are the first called to Judgment by Ryan Seacrest. To nobody's surprise, Stefano is back in the bottom.

Hey, is that Season 4 5th runner-up Constantine Maroulis? Sorry, I guess he's a Tony nominee as well (forRock of Ages). And he's singing "Unchained Melody?" I may have permanently damaged my remote mashing down the fast forward button.

Because we have to drag this out, Gwen Stefani distracts from the crappiness of her post-No Doubt career by outfitting the remaining girls in her overpriced L.A.M.B. fashions. On my deathbed, I'm going to wonder how I could have otherwise bettered my life during those four minutes.

Paul, Pia, and Scotty come down next. And it's Pia. Huh. Pia probably reminds the female uber-voters of their snotty big sister, or the older girl in high school who already has breasts and a boyfriend. Kids, voting against the popular girls won't win you Jake Ryan's heart, you have to give a geek your panties for that.

Wow, boos for TMZ. Kind of surprising. Especially since the segment where the mean-spirited denizens of the show goof on the contestants is about the most amusing thing we've seen this season.

The remaining three, James, Haley and Jacob come on down. In the night's other mild surprise, it's Jacob. We're well on our way to another lily white, all male finals.

You know, I saw some snarkery on Twitter about how 63-year-old Iggy Pop was "ruining his cred" by appearing on Idol. That's a good one. Let's not forget he's been letting a cruise line and a shitty sports talk show use "Lust for Life" for 20 years.

And finally, more boos as Pia is voted off. J Lo "doesn't know what happened." Randy is angry. Steven looks slightly more unfocused than usual. I gotta say, I didn't pick it, and Stefano continues to coast along on his pretty boy looks. Well done, Idol Cabal of Tween Chicks, you pissed a lot of people off last night.

We're down to eight now, and since I have nothing better to do, here's how I think the remaining eliminations will shake out:

Jacob goes next, followed by Haley, Paul, Casey, Lauren. James, and Stefano.

Since there are no more saves, and the show is now at the Cabal's mercy, Scotty McCreery will prove Vegas right and be your next American Idol. Which, in the end, will mean absolutely nothing. Just like it has for every winner since Season 4.

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