Country Music

"It's Hard to Kiss the Lips at Night That Chew Your Ass Out All Day Long" and Other Funny Country Titles We Found

Rocks Off has been a fan of Robert Earl Keen since we heard 1994's Gringo Honeymoon, and we've really been a fan since we heard his previous album, A Bigger Piece of Sky, shortly thereafter. We got Keen's latest album, The Rose Hotel (Lost Highway), in the mail this week, and after a few listens, think it's his best since 2001's Gravitational Forces. (He'll be at House of Blues December 28, by the way; tickets go on sale tomorrow.)

Rose Hotel closes with "Wireless In Heaven," a spirited bluegrass song that asks the question on a lot of people's minds these days: "Does Jesus have a Web site?" (We Googled our Lord and Savior and he appears to have lots, like this one.) It's a pretty funny song, but doesn't quite hit the highs (and lows) of classic honky-tonk wit. So we did a little more research, and this is what we came up with. Please tell us if we forgot something.

"Thanks to the Cathouse (I'm In the Doghouse With You)"

Recorded by: Johnny Paycheck, Armed and Crazy (1979)

"If Fingerprints Showed Up on Skin (I Wonder Whose I'd Find on You)"

Recorded by: Freddie Hart, Easy Loving (1971)

"She Got the Ring (I Got the Finger)"

Recorded by: Chuck Mead, Journeyman's Wager (2009)

"It's Hard to Kiss the Lips at Night That Chew Your Ass Out All Day Long"

Recorded by: The Notorious Cherry Bombs, The Notorious Cherry Bombs (2004)

"I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Almost Like You're Here"

Recorded by: Billy Ray Cyrus, Some Gave All (1992)

"She Got the Goldmine (I Got the Shaft)"

Recorded by: Jerry Reed, The Bird (1982)

"Get Your Tongue Out of My Mouth, I'm Kissing You Goodbye"

Recorded by: John Denver, The Harbor Lights Concert (2002)

"Get Your Biscuits In the Oven and Your Buns In the Bed"

Recorded by: Kinky Friedman, Sold American (1973)

"My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, and I Don't Love Jesus"

Recorded by: Jimmy Buffett, Havana Daydreamin' (1976)

"If My Nose Were Full of Nickels (I'd Blow It All On You)"

Recorded by: Dennis Warner Band

The only record we could find of the following songs, however, were on various "Funny Country Songs" lists on the Internet. They certainly sound believable - not to mention hilarious - but If you know if anyone has ever actually recorded them (and when), by all means please let Rocks Off know.

"There Ain't Enough Room in my Fruit of the Looms to Hold All My Lovin' for You"

"I Want a Beer as Cold as My Ex-Wife's Heart"

"I Don't Know What Came Over Me (When I Came All Over You)"

"I Knew I'd Hit Rock Bottom When I Woke Up On Top Of You"

"I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Getting Better"

"Forget the Night, Help Me Make It Through the Door"

"Peekin' Through the Knothole In Grandma's Wooden Leg"

"I'd Rather Pass a Kidney Stone than Another Night With You"

"She Offered Her Honor, He Honored Her Offer, and All Through the Night it Was Honor and Offer"

"I'm Sorry I Made You Cry, But At Least Your Face Is Cleaner"

"I Wish I Was In Dixie Tonight, But She's Out of Town"

"If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now"

"If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You"

"I Thought She Was Out Jogging, But She Was Running Around On Me"

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Chris Gray has been Music Editor for the Houston Press since 2008. He is the proud father of a Beatles-loving toddler named Oliver.
Contact: Chris Gray