Sunday night was the billionth year for the MTV Video Music Awards, and only one thing can be taken away from the whole unfunny shebang: just give Blue Ivy Carter all of the VMAs, now and forever, and let's be done with the whole thing. Seriously.
So in case you were wondering (or were smart enough to skip it), the whole show -- from Nicki Minaj's "Anaconda" yawn-fest to Miley Cyrus' well-intentioned but still somehow totally stunt-queen stand-in antics -- was just kinda meh. Everything but Blue of course, but we'll get to that. Here's what happened.
Ariana Grande opened up the show by coming out of some alien-like spaceship thing, and she's just really the most incredibly boring toddler ever. She's cute, and she's got a pretty decent voice, especially considering she was singing live, but come on. The child started off on about the most obnoxious show Nickelodeon show ever, and couldn't have possibly been exciting if she'd tried. Which she didn't.
Nicki Minaj came onstage to join her for some weird mashup of "Anaconda" and whatever Grande was singing, but without Robin Thicke being all creepy twerk-perv, it just didn't quite work with the shock factor.
Yes, Minaj was twerking, and her ass was painted to look like a snake, but that was about it. After the ill-fated use of actual anacondas in rehearsal, one of which bit a backup dancer, she may have toned it down a bit. Probably for the best, considering it was already dumb. Oh, and there was sort of a crotch shot at one point.
That mess basically set the tone for the entire night. There were some really strange award wins, like Lorde won for Best Rock Album. That's fine, but rock? What in the world? Also, Minaj's dress almost fell right the fuck off, but other than the illustrious Miss Blue, the entire thing was super-underwhelming.
Taylor Swift also took the stage and attempted to sing her new pop song, but no one seemed too terribly appalled or even interested in the damn thing. It was very Taylor Swift-y: off-pitch, cutesy, and still sounded like every other song she's done. It's hard to see the difference between any of it anymore. And yes, I'm old.
Miley won an award for...something, and there was a moment there where she seemed to be trying to do something kind of awesome with the limelight. She sent up a young kid named Jesse to accept it, and his speech, talking about how he was a former throwaway/runaway youth, was touching.
"I survived in shelters all over the city," Jesse told the crowd. "I've cleaned hotel rooms before and been an extra in your movies and in your life."
It was really cool to see someone give a shit about something other than themselves during an awards show. Oh, wait. It's Miley. The camera panned over to her about a thousand times during his speech, and she appeared to be attempting to push out some emotion while writhing around in that stunt-queenish way she does. It was weird.
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Oh, and there was a shitty presentation by Nina Dobrev and Trey Songz, in which Mr Songz announced that The Black Eyes were up for an award. I'm guessing he probably meant The Black Keys, but who knows. Words are hard for the guy who invented sex, apparently.
There was some better moments of the show -- including an okay performance of "Black Widow" with Iggy Azalea and Rita Ora, but it was just a'ight. It was also super confusing because they were dressed alike and well...they're just not that impressive, but Azalea kind of made up for it with her raunchy ass dance moves. Kind of.
But luckily there was someone on hand to really make up for the snoozefest this year, and that was Blue Ivy Carter. They just need to schedule that child to take the stage every year, and let all the other performers, who are trying way too hard and failing, sit the fuck back down. Blue is apparently naturally impressive.
You see, during Beyonce's Vanguard Award performance -- which lasted 15 freakin' minutes, by the way -- Blue was gettin' the hell down on daddy Jay Z's lap, and it was about the best thing ever. She was already all super-prepared to bust out her "Single Ladies" dance, and even Jay seemed surprised at her moves. That little one stole the show from Beyonce, a task I wasn't even aware was possible.
As Yonce busted out a montage of all of her hits, all eyes were on Blue as she kept on performing alongside her mama. It was about the cutest damned thing that's happened in a long while -- awards show or otherwise -- and it was so obvious that Blue just did it to shut shit down. She's already got it in her to one-up Beyonce. The girl is going places.
Even poor Kelly Rowland, who was sitting next to Jay Z and is about-to-pop pregnant, couldn't steal the limelight away from Blue. She was just too much. Her shoulder shrug should have impressed even Jay, really. She was just brushing' 'em off, you know?
Don't get me wrong. Beyonce was fabulous -- like her or loathe her, the girl can perform something fierce -- but Blue was better. That little puff of natural hair and Jay Z's swagger just make her naturally one-up her mom. Next year, let's just skip all of the dumb shit and give all of the VMAs to Blue instead. She's obviously a bigger star than any of these other fools, so we'll just count them as being preemptive and call it a day.
But only if Blue will bounce like that onstage, of course.
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