Stuff You Should Know About

Justin Bieber and the Secret War Against Music

When people start going on about a hip hop illuminati or the secret messages in Lady Gaga videos we tend to laugh at them, call them kooks, and suggest they spend their free time in more productive ways. Jay-Z is powerful but only a crazy person would believe that Blue Ivy Carter was some sort of hip-hop Antichrist and the only believable Gaga conspiracy is that Stefani Germanotta is really just an actor that is the tool of a handful of designers, songwriters and suits who are trying to make a quick buck by flying a freak flag.

Being the smart, educated people that we see ourselves as, it's easy to look down on those who harbor silly beliefs. It's condescending, but in a good way. And I was right there with you, laughing as people looked for the hidden codes in Blue Ivy's name and the "Bad Romance" video. I tell you this because I need you to understand that I'm not prone to conspiracy talk or crazy theories.

The other day I read something that chilled me to my very core, something that I fear could be leading to the downfall of music as we know it. And I need you guys to know it too, so that we can prepare for the battle ahead of us.

Guys... Justin Bieber has a doomsday weapon.

You may have read the story that came out last week about an Oregon woman suing Justin Bieber to the tune of $9.2 million for, among other things, pain and suffering, loss of quality of life, and permanent disability and impairment to both ears.

You probably rolled your eyes when you saw the headline and wondered how anyone could be so foolish as to not prepare for the shrieks that come with a Bieber show. Read the text of the claim, as dug up by the folks over at TMZ, and a more insidious picture starts to emerge.

To summarize:

Bieber climbed into a heart-shaped, aluminum/steel gondola and... enticed the crowd into a frenzy of screaming... The gondola Justin Bieber was suspended in acted as a sound conductor creating a sound blast that permanently damaged both of my ears.

Obviously Bieber, working in concert with forces that so far remain unknown, has built a machine that allows him to not only control the volume of an audience but to use that volume as a weapon against those who would oppose him. Going through various backchannels, I was able to get an image of the device from the night in question:

He comes, like a false prophet, surrounded in a symbol of love and peace, to cause chaos and destruction.

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Cory Garcia is a Contributing Editor for the Houston Press. He once won an award for his writing, but he doesn't like to brag about it. If you're reading this sentence, odds are good it's because he wrote a concert review you don't like or he wanted to talk pro wrestling.
Contact: Cory Garcia