Justin Bieber and the Secret War Against Music

When people start going on about a hip hop illuminati or the secret messages in Lady Gaga videos we tend to laugh at them, call them kooks, and suggest they spend their free time in more productive ways. Jay-Z is powerful but only a crazy person would believe that Blue Ivy Carter was some sort of hip-hop Antichrist and the only believable Gaga conspiracy is that Stefani Germanotta is really just an actor that is the tool of a handful of designers, songwriters and suits who are trying to make a quick buck by flying a freak flag.

Being the smart, educated people that we see ourselves as, it's easy to look down on those who harbor silly beliefs. It's condescending, but in a good way. And I was right there with you, laughing as people looked for the hidden codes in Blue Ivy's name and the "Bad Romance" video. I tell you this because I need you to understand that I'm not prone to conspiracy talk or crazy theories.

The other day I read something that chilled me to my very core, something that I fear could be leading to the downfall of music as we know it. And I need you guys to know it too, so that we can prepare for the battle ahead of us.

Guys... Justin Bieber has a doomsday weapon.

You may have read the story that came out last week about an Oregon woman suing Justin Bieber to the tune of $9.2 million for, among other things, pain and suffering, loss of quality of life, and permanent disability and impairment to both ears.

You probably rolled your eyes when you saw the headline and wondered how anyone could be so foolish as to not prepare for the shrieks that come with a Bieber show. Read the text of the claim, as dug up by the folks over at TMZ, and a more insidious picture starts to emerge.

To summarize:

Bieber climbed into a heart-shaped, aluminum/steel gondola and... enticed the crowd into a frenzy of screaming... The gondola Justin Bieber was suspended in acted as a sound conductor creating a sound blast that permanently damaged both of my ears.

Obviously Bieber, working in concert with forces that so far remain unknown, has built a machine that allows him to not only control the volume of an audience but to use that volume as a weapon against those who would oppose him. Going through various backchannels, I was able to get an image of the device from the night in question:

He comes, like a false prophet, surrounded in a symbol of love and peace, to cause chaos and destruction.

By now you're asking the obvious question: Why? With all the money he makes on a daily basis, with the adoration of millions worldwide, with the fame to walk in to any build in the world he wants, why would Justin "The Sound Conductor" Bieber need a doomsday device?

At first I thought that this was a conspiracy by a cabal of pop music's finest to overthrow the parents of the world. With the old folks out of the way, they'd be able to use their army of followers to install them, democratically, in to the highest places of power.

You laugh, but think about the different ways pop artists assault their audiences physically and mentally: Ke$ha fires upon the audience with glitter cannons in an effort to steal your sight; Katy Perry and her best friend Rihanna promote all forms of reckless and deviant sexual behavior; and I've witnessed first-hand how LMFAO encourages their audiences to drink past the point of reason.

But that's too obvious. Besides, we all know if there is a great pop music conspiracy Dr. Luke would be the one pulling the strings.

After much thought and study, I'm now ready to reveal the truth behind Bieber, his doomsday weapon, and the war against music.

I'm not sure why Canada hates music, but consider the following:

1. Drake is the nexus of the quiet war that is building between G.O.O.D. Music and YMCMB. But no war happens in a vacuum. and when things get real people will have to pick sides. And as the sides grow in strength and number, it all builds to the final showdown of Jay-Z and Lil Wayne going to battle on stations across the country, leaving only ruin behind them the way that Godzilla and Mothra do.

2. Nickelback is regularly listed as the worst thing to happen to rock music in roughly forever. People claim that their brand of boring, generic rock is creating even more boring, generic rock. And that's the point: they're trying to kill rock music from the inside.

They write boring, generic songs that become hits, other bands write boring, generic songs that become hits, and soon all rock is boring and generic and no one is buying the records. Rock music becomes just another piece of history, like ska and big bands.

3. Justin Bieber, as previously noted, has a doomsday device.

Of course it doesn't stop there. Why did Win Butler take Arcade Fire to Canada? Did someone clue him in to the impending apocalypse? I don't want to call the man a traitor, but who leaves The Woodlands for Canada?

I'm not even going to get in to the whole Godspeed You! Black Emperor might be terrorists thing, but I wonder what those cops in Oklahoma would have found if they had dug just a bit deeper.

So yes, Canadians hate music and are actively working to destroy it. The question is: How do we stop them?

I'm not sure we can.

But there are four potential saviors we can turn to for help.

1. Gotye: With Adele on the shelf with that whole pregnancy thing, we need a new voice that both the young and old can rally around. Gotye may seem like a weird choice, but consider this: the success of "Somebody That I Used To Know" is what kept Bieber's "Boyfriend" out of the top spot on the Billboard Hot 100. Can he replicate that success on the eve of a new Bieber single? I'm crossing me fingers.

2/3. Paul McCartney & Bruce Springsteen: You didn't really buy that curfew excuse did you? The Canadian powers that be quickly realized would happen to their plans if England's greatest pop songwriter and the embodiment of working-class rock were to join forces for more than a few songs. We're not sure what favors they had to call in to get the plug pulled, but I hope the two legends won't call it quits just yet.

3. Flux Pavilion: Bieber may be the sound conductor, but Joshua Steele has a bass cannon. Sometimes the only thing you can do is fight fire with fire. And really, no genre of music has more to lose to this Canadian plot than EDM. You can't be the music of the future if there is no future.

Justin Bieber returns to Houston on October 30. Talk about Marilyn Manson and Rob Zombie all you want, but the real evil in town that night will be at the Toyota Center. Maybe you already have tickets for the show. Maybe you think this whole thing is the work of a crazy person. Maybe you're right.

But if you absolutely must go to this show, take my advice: protect your ears.

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