Tonight, KAB tha Don, monsterly dignitary, will host a mixer celebrating the release of his first proper mixtape, Bully On The Beat, at SF2 North (215 W. Greens Rd).
Now, KAB is nothing short of a Houston Press fan favorite. He is big and mean and, should he choose to be, hyperintimidating. His menace is entirely believable. He is perfectly built for the gangster rapper role, and we've been excited about hearing his tape since his surprisingly sunswept single "Good Music" made its way onto the Internet near the beginning of last year. But still, we, very likely, will not be in attendance tonight.
See, tonight is Movie Night at the Serrano household. Every Friday night, we pick up the boys from Tae Kwon Do, take them to Blockbuster, let them pick a movie, then go home and watch it together. It's a proper good time, and one of the few instances during the week that the boys get to watch TV. We've not missed one in more than two years.
We explained this to KAB, even (jokingly) suggesting that he postpone his mixer until tomorrow and join us instead for a viewing of Diary of a Wimpy kid. His gorgeous response:
And that's the story of how the KAB Knows Children's Movies feature came to be. What follows is a list of ten beloved children's movies, along with a (mostly sic'd) synopsis of each by one of the most imposing rap forces in town. It couldn't be a better fit.
How IMDB Saw It: A cowboy toy is profoundly threatened and jealous when a fancy spaceman toy supplants him as top toy in a boy's room.
How KAB Saw It: Talkin' toys? Come on now. Fucc, kids watch anythang.
How IMDB Saw It: Tricked into thinking he killed his father, a guilt ridden lion cub flees into exile and abandons his identity as the future King.
How KAB Saw It: My nigga Simba avenges his father's death and gets tha "Pussy"* at tha end.
It's unclear whether he's using "pussy" to mean "vagina" or "pussy" to mean "feline." Either way, it's pretty perfect.
How IMDB Saw It: Wendy and her brothers are whisked away to the magical world of Neverland with the hero of their stories, Peter Pan.
How KAB Saw It: That nigga Peter came bacc to tha old hood and beat tha shit out of Captain Hook; fed his ass to tha gator.
How IMDB Saw It: An ogre, in order to regain his swamp, travels along with an annoying donkey in order to bring a princess to a scheming lord, wishing himself King.
How KAB Saw It: Fucc Shrek. Tha jacc ass [Donkey] shoulda had its own movie. That nigga was funny.
Princess and The Frog
How IMDB Saw It: A fairy tale set in Jazz Age-era New Orleans and centered on a young girl named Tiana and her fateful kiss with a frog prince who desperately wants to be human again.
How KAB Saw It: Tha blacc cartoon would have something to do wit' voodoo. Fucc ya'll.
Beauty and Beast
How IMDB Saw It: Belle, whose father is imprisoned by the Beast, offers herself instead and discovers her captor to be an enchanted prince.
How KAB Saw It: Ugly niggas get hoes too.
How IMDB Saw It: Animated film about a young deer, Bambi, growing up in the wild after his mother is shot by hunters.
How KAB Saw It: Even when you see your mama die you gotta keep buckin'.
A Bug's Life
How IMDB Saw It: A misfit ant, looking for "warriors" to save his colony from greedy grasshoppers, recruits a group of bugs that turn out to be an inept circus troupe.
How KAB Saw It: Save for tha winter, tha drought will come.
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How IMDB Saw It: Aladdin, a street urchin, accidentally meets Princess Jasmine, who is in the city undercover. They love each other, but she can only marry a prince.
How KAB Saw It: What's throweder than a magic carpet wit' a bad bitch? Nothin'.
Follow KAB on Twitter at @KabThaDon. Go to his mixer tonight at SF2 North (215 W. Greens Rd).