Keep Your Tired Love-Song Cliches off My Mixtape

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I'm a firm believer in the old adage "Never date someone who makes you a mixtape," so please don't break that rule this Valentine's Day and proceed with your plans to create a mixtape full of love songs.

Yes, throwing some romantic songs together may seem like a cheap way to get out of having to buy a gift, but trust me. No good can come from it.

Think about it; you're giving the person you love a montage of songs about dying in his or her arms and watching every step he or she takes. If this person is smart, he or she will run. Nothing screams needing a protection order like a CD full of songs about stalking.

I'm a realist, though, and I know that despite my fair warning, there will still be a few of you who tempt fate by putting together those songs for your significant other. While I question your sanity, I admire your tenacity, so I'm going to help you out.

Below is a guide to the most overused love-song clichés; avoid them on your mixtape at all costs. You'll thank me, I promise.

Unless you're aiming at a solo night on Valentine's Day, steer clear of song clichés that reference any of the following:

Love Gives You Rugburn on the Knees I get it. You're down on your knees, begging for forgiveness (or a chance, or ANOTHER chance...there's a million variations on the same lame cliché). It's been used in oh-so-many love songs.

Not only should you be too proud to beg, but think about it...have you ever actually tried begging on your knees? The weight of your upper body is not to be taken lightly -- how can you possibly sustain this position long-term? Bruises aren't cute.

Furthermore, begging for another chance with your face at your partner's abdomen will not make a person love you; it will make him or her want to kick you dead in the forehead because it is now at hip level, like a desperate bullseye.

Grow a pair and find a chick (or dude) who isn't in hate with you before putting this on a mixtape to win him or her over. Your Valentine's Day memories will thank you.

Love Is a Dream Come True So you met someone, and now shit's all going well and you want to tell the other person what he or she means to you. That's great, but please stop comparing falling in love to your dreams coming true. You're scaring people.

Let's put this in perspective; if my dreams came true, shit on this planet would read like an Aldous Huxley novel bred with Shaun of the Dead. Is this really what you want to promise your intended, that falling in love is going to unleash a tripped-out world in which he or she is ALWAYS RUNNING?! People hate cardio.

Everything about this cliché is wrong. Keep it off the damned mixed tape.

Lyrics that Say Love Fixed That Pesky Missing Left or Right Quadrant Stop. Do not use a song that spews the words "you're the half that makes me whole" in any form. You are an independent woman (or man, no judgments here). Avoid any song that states otherwise.

Still not sold that it needs to stay off your VD mix? Well then, riddle me this, Batman: If you were indeed half a person (as you claim), would you mind enlightening me as to how the hell your ONE kidney processed all the vodka that a single person on Valentine's Day goes through in years past?

Not. Possible. Keep it OFF the mixtape.

Songs that Reference Your Significant Other as a Fallen Angel/Deity/Heavenly Gift I'm glad to see that you have the person bitching at you about taking out the garbage on a pedestal, but really now. He or she did not fall from the heavens. This person actually grew up in Pearland, thank you very much, and somewhere out there is photographic proof of his or her once sporting headgear and a mullet.

If you include this metaphor, they're going to know how boil-the-bunny crazy you are underneath it all.

You'll Die Without Love Nobody wants love to be responsible for your untimely death. What if your amore goes on a poorly planned trip to the potty? This "die without you" stuff has to stop.

Can we try something like "lonely without you" or "bored while you brush your teeth"? Something a little less deadly? No death on the mixtape.

Love Turned You into a Schmuck with No Standards Love is not blind, nor did it somehow render you a puddle of brainless sludge. Perhaps you don't mind appearing desperate for human interaction, but let's be legit here: It does indeed matter who you are, where you're from and what you did -- no matter what the Backstreet Boys say.

You Fell in Love, and Now You Need a Compass There are an abundance of musical clichés about love being the direction -- I'm lost without you, always searching, needing to find love. Avoid any song that suggests love caused your sense of direction to go abso-fucking-lutely haywire. Love must have jacked with your Google maps.

It all makes sense now.

To sum things up: If you insist on screwing your chances by making that blasted Valentine's Day mixtape, at least do yourself a solid and avoid the above deal-killers. Otherwise, plan on a night of boxed wine and late-night Cinemax -- solo.

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