"Kill Yourself" or "Don't Give Up"? Five Possible Theme Songs for the 2009 Houston Texans

[Ed. note: Due to an editing mistake, this should have been up Friday afternoon. Apologies... we sure hope it didn't jinx the Texans or anything.]

You may have missed it - what with there being almost no media coverage whatsoever - but football season started this week. Our own Texans are looking to improve on two consecutive .500 seasons and bring Houston one step closer to a championship in a sport that isn't basketball, soccer, or minor league hockey. Because apparently none of those count.

Depending on who you ask, there's either reason to be optimistic (some local "experts" see them going 11-5) or not (QB Matt Schaub has yet to make it through an entire season). Because of this wide range of emotion, Rocks Off decided it was high time to choose a theme song for the Texans' 2009 season.

Yes, the team already has an "official" song, if that's what you want to call Clay Walker's homage to/ripoff of the Monday Night Football theme. What we're looking for is something a bit more flexible; a song appropriate for whatever your level of optimism about the coming season might be. Here are some possibilities.

UNREALISTICALLY OPTIMISTIC: Slim Thug, "I Run" - Look, we've done the country music thing for our football teams ever since the Oilers. Net result? One conference championship appearance and no Super Bowls. Houston's own Thug brings the braggadocious 'tude Texans fans needs while acknowledging that hip-hop has supplanted C&W in popularity in H-Town. Plus, the Texans could put Peyton Manning's face up on the DiamondVision screens when they get to the line about "putting a bitch on I-10."

CAUTIOUSLY HOPEFUL: Peter Gabriel & Kate Bush, "Don't Give Up" - So you're too uncertain to predict a playoff run, but still think the team will finish 9-7 or thereabouts? This touchy-feely duet is for you, just take our advice and don't try to emulate Peter Gabriel and Kate Bush by fiercely hugging that drunk guy in the bleachers.

ANNOYINGLY NEUTRAL: Buddy Holly & the Crickets, "Maybe Baby" - For the truly wishy-washy, who like to play the odds and bank that the Texans will go 8-8 for a third straight year, Buddy Holly's tentative romantic overture is right up your alley. "Maybe I'll have you" could refer to that elusive AFC Championship, which you pine for while admitting "you never listen to my prayer."

FAIRLY PESSIMISTIC: Bruce Springsteen & the E Street Band, "I'm Going Down" - The AFC South is a tough division, and the Texans face both the defensive-minded Titans and the Colts' dreadfully boring yet highly efficient scoring offense twice during the season. With injury concerns and lingering questions about the offense, fans with visions of a 6-10 season in their heads might very well be sick and tired of being set up by elevated expectations, only to have Bob McNair and company "knock-a knock-a knock-a" them down.

WRETCHEDLY DESPONDENT: S.O.D., "Kill Yourself" - We could at least partly blame Hurricane Ike for last season's 0-4 start. With - so far - no convenient tropical systems poised to wreck this year's early games, a similar opening month might cause dejected fans to take heed of the 'troopers' advice to "inject a bubble in your vein."

But then, there's always next year.

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Peter Vonder Haar writes movie reviews for the Houston Press and the occasional book. The first three novels in the "Clarke & Clarke Mysteries" - Lucky Town, Point Blank, and Empty Sky - are out now.
Contact: Pete Vonder Haar