A contentious and cantankerous mid-term election season is upon us, and the AM dial is so full of hot air that Rocks Off is surprised our Matrix hasn't started floating. Without taking a seat on either side of the aisle, it's undeniable that a real current of anti-incumbent sentiment is prevalent throughout much of the country.
This has led to some... interesting people receiving nominations for both parties. Rocks Off figured, as long as Delaware is going to have a nominee with a self-admitted history including witchcraft and a dedicated crusade against dancing with yourself (uh-oh uh-oh), then why not let some of Houston's local rock stars throw their chapeaus into the arena?
Ladies and gentlemen, Rocks Off presents - no, PROUDLY presents - the three candidates from our wholly invented office, Comptroller of Hell Yeah!.
Dremaceo Giles, The Lotus Effect:
If elected Comptroller of Hell Yeah!, I will make it a crime to exchange money for music. Buying music is heinous and all music should be free, that includes CDs, downloads, concerts and festivals. In exchange musicians will be subsidized by government grants with more money going to the band that has the most members on their Facebook fan page.
I will lower the legal drinking age to 16, but I'm originally from New Orleans where it's like that anyway. In exchange, I will mandate the minimum alcohol content to 80 proof.
I will relocate all federal prisons to space stations, so if you commit a heinous crime, you will just be shot off into space where there won't be no coming back. I will also designate August 14 as National Nude Day, so that we as Americans can gain a better appreciation of the human form, preferably female.
And that to me, sirs and madams, is change I can believe in.
If elected Comptroller of Hell Yeah!, my platform would promote responsibility and self-sufficiency - for individual citizens as well as our country as a whole and all its levels of government. In addition to generally minimizing the federal government as much as possible, I'd slash programs that only increase individuals' dependency on the government and find ways to promote human initiative.
I will promote education, including skilled trades, so we can eventually get back to producing and creating things in this country instead of outsourcing everything to the rest of the world.
In order to fuel our quest for knowledge and technological advancement (as well as inspire new generations of scientists and engineers), I will fully support NASA and its manned space program - including the new space vehicle and the goal of visiting Mars. I will reduce government regulation on business and industry to promote genuine competition and result in better products and prices.
Oh, and civil servants won't be able to vote to give themselves raises and ridiculous retirement packages. That will be left up to the people they serve and represent. I will also push for harsher sentencing for violent criminals.
How's that for a boring answer?
RO: Honestly Mrs. Spleen, we expected your entire platform to revolve around bacon.
Spleen: I won't put through any bacon legislation. Some people don't eat bacon due to sulfites or other medical and/or religious/moral constraints. I've also heard bizarre rumors that there are some who... gulp don't like it?! I may be an eccentric, but I'm a responsible eccentric!
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Cory Sinclair, The Manichean:
As Comptroller of Hell Yeah!, My initiatives will include:
- The dissolution of all parties and bands whose platform consists of music that is blatantly and overwhelmingly homophobic and sexist and small-minded, not to mention unimaginative. This would be a fiat of conscience.
- The establishment of primary and secondary education programs that focus upon the influx, cultivation and fruition of original and intelligent thought, ideas, music, poetry, discipline through art, dynamic collaboration and the intrinsic motivational value of oneself.
- An environmentally progressive mandate applied towards corporate-label touring and festivals.
- A sound view on the immigration and coalescence of different people, different styles, aesthetics, fervor and vigor.
- A closer, more scrutinized look at conservative and 'secularly-oriented' pop acts and the effects they have on our youth.
- Reliable insurance programs for musicians, some of the most socio-economically disadvantaged people in the country.
The voting starts now, right here in the comments section!