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Lone Star Scorecard: Texans Never Cry, Except the Ones on the Football Field

You know the drill by now: each week we sift through the literally thousands of songs about Texas (if not necessarily by Texans) and - through weeks of rigorous analysis using supercomputers owned by the five richest kings of Europe - determine how accurately they represent our great state. The result is the Lone Star Scorecard.

Gene Autry, "Texans Never Cry": Gene obviously mean to apply this song to residents of the state as a whole, but we don't have to go back further than last weekend to find a whole group of crying Texans. Namely, the ones who let Maurice Jones-Drew light them up for 119 yards and three TDs. If the Raiders win next Sunday, we may never be able to play the song again with a straight face.

Restless Heart, "The Bluest Eyes in Texas": Garth Brooks gets a lot of grief for introducing the power ballad to country music, but - with a few exceptions - mainstream country music in the late 1980s was horrific, and these mulleted, late-era .38 Special clones were a shining example. As for the song itself, the singer is clearly referring to a girl, when everyone knows Dallas Cowboys' owner Jerry Jones has the bluest eyes in the Lone Star State.

Gatlin Brothers, "Houston (Means I'm One Day Closer to You)": While we're wrapping our head around something lyrics like "time always never flies," we find ourselves chuckling at Larry sobbing about sleeping "all alone in that holiday hotel" after playing the Rodeo, as if the band was staying at the Holiday Inn in Sealy and not the one stuffed with booze and groupies across 610 from the Galleria.

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Peter Vonder Haar writes movie reviews for the Houston Press and the occasional book. The first three novels in the "Clarke & Clarke Mysteries" - Lucky Town, Point Blank, and Empty Sky - are out now.
Contact: Pete Vonder Haar