Fragrance: In Control
Inspiration: Britney Spears
Recommended use: Casual
Recommended age: Teen
Classification: Flowery
What it really smells like: Jayden James's diapers
The Lowdown: One of three Britney scents (Fantasy and Curious are the other two), In Control is apparently being marketed primarily to uninhibited cooch-exhibitionists and 25-year-old, twice-divorced mothers-of-two, of whom there must be many. And it seems that they are all desperately seeking just the right bouquet to don before leaving the babies with the nanny and going out all night.
User review: "This is by far the best fragrance by Britney. I got so many compliments on it! Even a co-worker in her late 40's asked about it! Fantasy was too strong and made my stomach sick. My fianc made me wash it off...lol"
Fragrance: Moments
Inspiration: American Idol
Recommended use: Casual
Recommended age: Perfect for anyone
Classification: Oriental/spicy
What it really smells like: The innocence of American youth
The Lowdown: Yes, that American Idol. Perfect for the fan who can't wait for season six. Supposedly a women's fragrance, but it's rumored Taylor Hicks uses it for hair spray on his silver locks. Turns out there are worse ideas than William Hung's Christmas album.
User review: "This scent sings to me, every time I wear it. It's the ultimate guy magnet!!!"
Fragrance: Dessert
Inspiration: Jessica Simpson
Recommended use: Casual
Recommended age: Perfect for anyone
Classification: Oriental/spicy
What it really smells like: Big pimpin', family style.
The Lowdown: With Jessica's singing career taking a plunge ("Workin' 9 to uh...I'm so nervous!"), Father Joe now needs more inventive ways to pimp his daughters. Ergo, Pizza Hut ads, movies, Proactiv and now a fragrance line. Keep it up, girls. Daddy's got to have his morning eggs benedict at Chateau Marmont.
User review: "This is lovely and fresh smelling. Tastes nice too. I even spray it in my hair. People compliment it every time I am hugged!"
Fragrance: Magic
Inspiration: Celine Dion
Recommended use: Casual
Recommended age: Mature
Classification: Flowery
What it really smells like: The icy north Atlantic seawater that sunk the Titanic and baby's blood.
The Lowdown: For those who can't make it to Vegas for the live show, Celine Dion has quite a few scents in the fragrance game. (Seven to be exact!) Anyway, this is much better than "Cats."
User review: "I wouldn't wear anything else. I am 65+ and young at heart. Love it."
Fragrance: Unforgivable
Inspiration: Sean John, a.k.a. Diddy, P.Diddy, Puff Daddy, Puffy, Sean "Puffy" Combs, The American Dream.
Recommended use: Casual
Recommended age: Mature
Classification: Citrus/fruity
What it really smells like: Hard to say until the remix drops.
The Lowdown: Unforgivable? What is this rap media mogul trying to tell us? Coming next: cologne to commemorate the life of Notorious B.I.G.
User review: "Awesome scent that stays with you the whole day. Once you put it on, you won't believe the immediate response from not only the ladies, but also other fellas who really like the smell!"
Fragrance: Carlos
Inspiration: Carlos Santana
Recommended use: Casual
Recommended age: Mature
Classification: Oriental/spicy
What it really smells like: "Oye Como Va" infused with monotonous, noodly guitar and subtle notes of Spanish Harlem.
The Lowdown: Do you think when Santana was collaborating with Alice, John Coltrane's widow, on Illuminations, he ever thought, "This esoteric-enlightenment shit is great, but what I really want is my own spicy scent for men to purchase?" Is this guitar legend too high and irrelevant to even care? Don't ask him. He just cashes the checks.
User review: "My husband wears this cologne, and I love smelling it on him. I can't get enough of the spicy scent. One of the best I've ever smelled. More men should wear Carlos."
Fragrance: Just Me
Inspiration: Paris Hilton
Recommended use: Casual
Recommended age: Teens
Classification: Citrus/fruity
What it really smells like: Tinkerbelle's farts.
The Lowdown: As if making an album wasn't enough, now this heiress has to taint all of our senses. Hey fellas, luckily, Paris has a scent for us too -- Paris Hilton Man. What man would ever buy that? Is this a pyramid scheme?
User review: "I LOVE THIS COLOGNE! My friend just bought this and asked what I thought of it, I sprayed some on it was a little strong. 5 minutes later it smelt SOO good!! That's hot. THIS IS A MUST BUY!!"
Fragrance: Rush
Inspiration: Take off, ya hoser.
Recommended use: Casual
Recommended age: Mature
Classification: Woods
What it really smells like: Eau de Ayn Rand and essence de Canadian bacon. (That's French.)
The Lowdown: While not actually endorsed by the band, I'm sure Tom Ford and Gucci had to be inspired by the Canadian stalwarts when introducing this cologne in 1999. Our only hope is for an endorsement deal that includes a triple live LP recorded in Uruguay!
User review: "If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice."
Fragrance: Wrangler
Inspiration: Bad pop country music
Recommended use: Romantic
Recommended age: College
Classification: Outdoors
What it really smells like: Showing up in boots, thus ruining a black-tie affair.
The Lowdown: So this is what college guys douse themselves with when they want to get romantic? No wonder we didn't get laid in college. Wrangler and NASCAR the Scent are the only two competitors in the growing rednecks-who-don't-think-cologne-is-only-for-the-French demographic. Please, whatever you do for the country music fan this Christmas, put the Kenny Chesney All I Want for Christmas is a Real Good Tan CD down and walk away. Trust us on this
User review: "this stuf smells grate if you want to get some ladies weare this this stuf rocks"
In line to cash in for next year's collection: Black Sweat by Prince, Iron and Wine by Iron and Wine, Cat Power (a fragrance for cats!) by Chan Marshall, Darfur by Bono, Pretty Tony by Ghostface, Stoke My Ego by Kanye West and Fergielicious by Fergie.
Ah, to hell with it. I'll stick with Old Spice and William Hung's Christmas CD.
