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Mariah Carey's Many Knuckle Children, Or The Self-Gratification Of Mimi

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[Ed. Note: You know us... always taking the high road.] Thanks to this new thing on YouTube called VEVO, we can watch crisp versions of our favorite music videos, young and old, without worrying about shoddy quality or mislabeling. This also means that we can take a trip down spank bank memory lane and review all of our favorite music videos we rubbed one out to as younger men. Don't act so aghast, Aunt Bea. We did this same thing in September when Britney Spears hit the Toyota Center and we had the sordid and awesome task of retracing our teenage steps (or jerks) from "...Baby One More Time" all the way to "Toxic." It's not the classiest thing in the world, but by God, we are men, dammit. So with Mariah Carey in town, we thought we would send the blog "fap" in time to see which of her videos made us lock the doors, look out the blinds and listen for cars coming up the driveway. She really took a turn for "Dear Lord" around 1995 and that video with the Daisy Dukes and the tire swing. Seventh grade was pretty awesome, and she didn't hurt matters one bit. Sick days from school were like crazy carnal R&B adventures. The music was usually muted anyway so it's not like we didn't realize that she even did a song with Ol' Dirty Bastard for years.

It seems today that she just keeps getting better and better, but we haven't been pounding out any "Panama" solos to Carey videos in quite a while. She's still a pretty lady after almost 20 years in the business, but for our filthy money you can't beat that period from 1995 to 1999 when she starting getting all voluptuous-like. She started looking like a real girl and not Tommy Mottola's trophy ho. Her life awakening helped more people out than she would probably care to know. "My All"

"Honey"
"Dreamlover" "Always Be My Baby"
"All I Want For Christmas Is You"
[Ed. Note: OK, that one... excuse us for a second.] "I Still Believe"
"Don't Forget About Us"
"Butterfly" "Obsessed" Mariah Carey Goes Nuts On MTV

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