Minute by Minute at Robin Thicke's Sex Therapy Listening Party

7:15 p.m. Ack. Parking on Washington Avenue at night is just about the worst. It's such an uneasy feeling. If we had to choose between parking on Washington or juggling knives with no pants on, it'd end up being something we actually had to think about. We mean, we're just saying we'd consider the alternative. We'd eventually pick the parking. C'mon, it's knives. We're not entirely retarded. 7:25 p.m. We finally settle on a dark, anonymous lot a block or so over from the venue. You know you're in a bad parking spot when you ask yourself, "I wonder how many people have been raped here?" and then get out of your car and sprint towards street lights.

7:30 p.m. Just spoke to the guy at the front of Citizen Lounge to see if they have valet parking for the evening and we just happened to miss it. He says no. He tells us that Citizen has a lot, implying it's okay to park in, but that's totally useless to us because it's already full. He then offers up that we can park at a well-lit lot across from Citizen where we'd be far less likely to be bludgeoned over the head by a serial rapist. "Really? That's great. Thank you," we say appreciatively. To which he responds, "I mean, I don't know if you'll get towed, but you can park there." Jesus Christ. 7:35 p.m. Robin Thicke is getting on the mike to address the crowd. His new album comes out in December, so he's here to promote it. He introduces himself to the crowd, which is a little weird. It's not like everybody in here didn't already know who he was. That's like the Virgin Mary walking into a Catholic Church and being like, "Yo, I'm the Virgin Mary. Maybe you heard of me. What up?" Yeah, we just compared Thicke to The big VM. Did you see him in that "Magic" video? He was amazing. 7:49 p.m. Did you know they do all of these tricks on TV or whatever to make people look way more attractive than they really are? That's why that Mariah Carey thing was such a big deal. If you missed it, they basically stripped her of all of her glitz for some movie role and found out she looks like a foot, or Gollum from Lord of the Rings. But it's not like that with Robin Thicke. He's genuinely handsome (tall and dark, even). He just walked by us, smiling, making his way to one of the VIP booths, and caught our eyes with his. This must be what heaven tastes like. 7:54 p.m. The TVs in here are all playing a medley of Robin Thicke videos. That's a pretty big coincidence. 7:59 p.m. We're being led back to a space so we can interview Thicke. He's nice enough and laughs off our jokes about being raised by Growing Pains star Alan Thicke. He mentions how the new album will feature The Game and Snoop and Jay-Z and Kid Cudi. "Lost Without U" comes on and we mentally gauge whether or not we'll be thrown out if we ask him to dance. We don't risk it, opting instead to tell him that, behind "Shooter," it's our favorite song of his. He laughs and says thanks. This has to be how Bella felt the first time she talked to Edward Cullen. We wouldn't be surprised to find out that Thicke's skin glimmers in the sun like diamonds. 8:11 p.m. After covering a few of these types of events, you start to see a lot of the same faces. For instance, there's this tall Asian woman here that we see just about everywhere. She looks interesting, but we've always refrained from talking to her. Mostly because we like referring to her as Tall Asian Woman. Some movie extras need to just stay movie extras. 8:25 p.m. Back in school, we learned about how matter particles always gravitate towards open space whenever they can. This is why farts only smell bad for a little bit; they diffuse over too great a space to continue to smell. There are two VIP booths in Citizen Lounge, each on opposite sides of the room. But only the one with Thicke is packed with women. It looks way uncomfortable and hot in that one, yet none of the women particles migrate to the open space in the other VIP section. Robin Thicke's handsomeness apparently renders the physics of particle diffusion untrue. Or maybe it's because one of the guys in the other one is wearing a leather coat. Who wears leather coats anymore? Dollars to cents his name is Vinny - Vinnys are always so clueless. 8:31 p.m. Haha. There's this guy dressed like he just walked off the "Teach Me How To Jerk" video set. He gets set to take a picture and right before the lady taking his picture snaps it he jumps into this strange hands open, growly-faced pose that makes him look like he's about to attack someone. He probably thinks this is just hilarious. Only thing is, the lighting is pretty dim in here, so the girl's camera doesn't immediately take the picture and he's frozen like that for an uncomfortable five or six seconds as she works it out. Serves him right. You do have to admire his dedication to the shot though. He didn't break character once. He was totally method actor-ed out. He's like the Russell Crowe of loathsome picture poses. 8:45 p.m. They play a few tracks from the new CD, most noticeably "Shakin' It," that dance-poppy track that features Nicki Minaj, who, in case you're not familiar with her, is basically a big butt with a pseudo-rapper attached. But the songs are secondary; nobody much pays attention to them, really. People mingle with each other and trade numbers or emails and a few girls very clearly (and unsuccessfully) try to get Thicke's attention to focus on them beyond just taking a photo. Tthen everyone goes home; it's usually how these thing go. 8:49 p.m. Car's not towed. And there's no visible semen anywhere. Cool. Grand end.

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