Pop Life

MTV VMA Celebrities Ask The Full-Custom Gospel Sounds of the Reverend Horton Heat

Dear Full-Custom Gospel Sounds,

I am a multiplatinum rap artist and producer who has won several Grammy awards. You'd think this would be enough to satisfy me, but I am unable to allow other people to enjoy their time in the spotlight - I have often interrupted acceptance speeches, ranted and raved backstage about awards I didn't win and other such behavior. Is this plain old narcissism, am I seeking attention because I lost my mother last year or am I just an asshole?

- Conceited in Chicago

Dear CIC,
I got a sweet baby who's six foot tall, But she's a full grown woman who's got it all Big little baby, big little baby, She's as cute as she can be, but she's taller than me. Big, big, big little baby, big, big, big little baby.

Dear Full-Custom Gospel Sounds,

I am a country-pop singer-songwriter who has sold several million records before my 21st birthday. Recently another artist was extremely rude to me at the MTV VMAs, and although I have been playing the gracious Southern lady in the many TV interviewes that followed, this man really upset me and I would like to write a song about what an insensitive jerk he is on my next album. However, this gentleman (and I hesitate to use that word) is also African-American, so how do I do that without seeming like a racist?

- Miffed in Music City

Dear MIMC,
You can hang out with the Red Hot Chili Peppers, you can lie to me and say it's not true. You can drive ol' Mike Ness down to Houston, tell all of your friends he thinks your cool. Or you can see inside the Stray Cats' tour bus, you can see the Butthole Surfers overseas. You can party with the Dead 'til you're crazy in the head, but you can't get away from me.

Dear Full-Custom Gospel Sounds,

I don't want to give away too much of my identity, but let's just say most people think I'm a diva when I am really just a down-home girl at heart. Unlike most of my fellow celebrities (including my own sister), I do not have a Twitter account. I spend enough of my time in the public eye, and do not feel any further need to update the world on every little detail of my day. What is wrong with me?
- Not Having It In NYC

A fire-breathing whisper singe my ear, but there's no one to be seen. Coming out my rearview mirror is ol' sly Satan's limousine. You sell your soul to the devil he'll give you everything you see, but when the devil comes collecting you gonna be paying for eternity. The devil's chasing me.

Dear Full-Custom Gospel Sounds,

I am a pop star who sometimes has had to struggle with her weight. Since Patrick Swayze died, I have done nothing but lie in bed and eat ice cream while watching Dirty Dancing over and over - it's probably my all-time favorite movie. Needless to say, I have put on a few pounds and my management is not at all happy. What should I do?
- Flummoxed In Fort Worth

Dear FIFW,
Bales of cocaine, fallin' from low-flyin' planes - I don't know who done dropped 'em, but I thank 'em just the same. Bales of cocaine, fallin' like the pourin' rain. My life changed completely by those low-flyin' planes.

The Full-Custom Gospel Sounds is a syndicated advice columnist whose weekly column, "Ask The Full-Custom Gospel Sounds," is featured in over 250 newspapers nationwide. Reverend Horton Heat plays with Motorhead and Nashville Pussy, 8 p.m. tonight at Warehouse Live, 813 St. Emanuel, 713-225-5483 or www.warehouselive.com.

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Chris Gray has been Music Editor for the Houston Press since 2008. He is the proud father of a Beatles-loving toddler named Oliver.
Contact: Chris Gray