TwitChange, a charity organization dedicated to helping Haiti led by the only Desperate Housewife who doesn't look at least partially mummified, Eva Longoria, is having an auction that will change the very nature of self-obsession as we know it. Several celebrities have gotten together and agreed to let their Twitter selves be auctioned off.
The highest bidder will be followed by that celebrity, and will be mentioned in what's called a "special retweet" by that celebrity. We have to admit we see the appeal; we've been retweeted a couple of times by Ted Leo, Mike Doughty and Amber Benson, and we'd be lying if we said it didn't feel kind of cool.
Twitter is like that, gently tickling your ego from time to time in various ways. If you're not careful, you'll smell something funny one day and realize you've disappeared up your own ass.
Still, there are some celebrities on Twitter, musicians in particular, who appeal to even our jaded sensibilities. Who wouldn't want to get a follow from Kelly Clarkson, MC Hammer or Tears For Fears' Curt Smith? We're not made of stone here, people.
And then, of course, there are the ones with fanatical followings who can't help but fetch huge, huge payoffs like Justin Bieber, Usher, and at least two of the four Jonas brothers. But what about the musicians who aren't so desirable? We have some ideas about which musicians might fetch the least for their followship.
Fred Durst: From what we've seen, Fred Durst is one of the nicest of all the celebrities on Twitter, constantly thanking and replying to his fans. But that's a problem: if you're too attentive to your followers, you devalue your attention. Cold celebrity bitches who never, ever reply or retweet their fans will fetch the highest bids because it would be such a novelty to receive their notice. Durst, unfortunately, has saturated his own Twitter market by simply not being a dick.
Paris Hilton: It might seem like a bit of a cheat to call Paris Hilton a musician, but she did release an execrably bad album and keeps threatening to release another, so she's fair game. As for why she wouldn't fetch much at a bid: Whatever Hilton's "special retweet" might entail, we're pretty sure we don't want any part of it. Better to just not go there.
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Phish: Now, we're not saying Phish aren't in high demand. We know they have a sizeable, fanatical following. We're just saying that sizeable, fanatical following is far too high to bid successfully. They bid once, then wander off to browse eBay, bidding on tie-dye Chuck Taylors and messenger bags made out of hemp.
They may have a brief glimmer that there was something they were supposed to be doing, but then an animated ad will catch their eye and they'll spend about an hour staring at it, wondering if it's somehow alive in there. By the time they've come down enough to remember they're supposed to be bidding on Phish, the auction will have closed long ago.
David Lee Roth: As far as we know, David Lee Roth is not on Twitter, which is a relief. He's one of the few singers we can think of who, if you followed him, would not only follow you back, but may actually show up at your house. "Hey man, you got anything to drink around here? I need someplace to crash, man. You ever been on a yacht? Shit... I am so drunk right now. I'll just crash in the hall, man. Gimme a bucket in case I gotta yak."
It would probably still be cooler than having Sammy Hagar crash with you, though.
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Cher: The night after Cher starts following you, you wake up in the middle of the night to find your room is freezing cold. You see your breath in front of you, and you realize that even though your house is locked tight, you're not alone in the room. Your significant other has mysteriously vanished; even your pets are missing.
You hear something shuffle in the darkness and hear a low, demonic hiss. Terror seizes your heart as you realize the sound is coming from above you, but the realization comes half a second too late. As you open your mouth to scream, Cher drops from the ceiling on top of you, and the last thing you see as she sucks the life-force out of you is her smooth, flawless skin, untouched by the ravages of age, and now you know why... but you will never tell a soul.
All that will be left of you is lifeless ash between your sheets. Tweet this to 20 other people or else she'll come for you tonight.
All kidding aside, it's a good cause, so please bid on any of these celebrities and remember to handle your celebrity with care; they are delicate, and may not be machine-washed.