Music's 10 Biggest Tools Right Now

Keep Houston Press Free
I Support
  • Local
  • Community
  • Journalism
  • logo

Support the independent voice of Houston and help keep the future of Houston Press free.

Let's just jump right on in to this one, shall we? Blogs about musicians exhibiting extreme tool-like behavior don't need much of an introduction.

A lot of musicians opt out of behaving like normal, rational adults, and we like to rag on them a bit, especially when they're misbehaving on some ridiculously naughty levels. These are those musicians, in list form.

From epic Twitter breakdowns, racist comments and calling folks chickenshits to stomping all over the American flag and (allegedly) hiring a hitman to off the ol' ball and chain, the artists below really need to learn a lesson on when to say when.

10. Blake Shelton Shelton has been known for sticking his Twitter foot in his mouth for as long as he's been on social media, and there's really nothing cute about it at this point. His Twitter rants have overshadowed his music and his role on The Voice, and there's so much PR spin going on by his team that even they seem aware of his tool status. Perhaps he wouldn't have to grace the cover of People magazine to explain away the marital rumors if he'd be less focused on calling critics "chickenshits" and a wee bit more focused on improving his music, which is crap.

9. Axl Rose Axl is wound tighter than those synthetic ginger braids that sit atop his head, and he -- along with the new backing band now being marketed as Guns N' Roses -- were just in town to play a concert at House of Blues (for which Rocks Off's media credentials were suspiciously revoked), so it seems fitting to include him on this list. I don't think I need to go into the details of the years worth of rants and refusals to attend Hall of Fame inductions and the like to validate this choice. Again, when your diva behavior is overshadowing your musical credibility, it might be time to start relaxing just a wee bit, no?

8. Miley Cyrus It appears that Miley is trying really super-hard to be an individual, but some of the stuff she's spewing out into the world just sounds (and looks) so asinine. She claims to have been typecast as the "white Nicki Minaj," while stating in the same sentence that while she loves "hood" music, she's got actual talent as a singer.

She's also sporting a gold grill and has been quoted as saying the following ridiculous shit to Rock City: "I want urban. I just want something that feels black." That quote itself is quite tool-ish; how, per se, does one "feel black" -- or white -- for that matter? It's all an attention-grab, and surely there are less douchey ways to go about that.

7. Lil Wayne Silly Weezy has rapped about a lot of shady shit, but his most recent display of anti-affection toward the American flag has pushed him into tool territory. On the set for his new video, "God Bless Amerika," where Tunechi raps in front of a flag before it drops to the ground and he stops, jumps, and leprechaun-leaps all over it while rapping lyrics like, ""My country 'his of thee/ Sweet land of kill 'em all and let 'em die/ God bless Amerika/ This ole' godless Amerika."

May I be the first to say that I am thoroughly confused on what the hell kind of stones Weezy is trying to throw here? The guy raps about hos, weed, and sex freely because of the freedoms he's allowed in this country, and yet he's pointing a kush-stained finger at the political state of this nation? No, tool. Go back to rapping about the down bitches you can call. Life is better that way.

6. Hank Williams Jr. Bocephus and his anti-gay, anti-Muslim, anti-e'rything rhetoric deserve to be on this list, despite his country-royalty lineage. He's compared President Obama to Adolf Hitler -- which is not offensive to Jews or holocaust victims or anything -- while also calling him the enemy and a Muslim who hates cowboys, fishing and farming. Oh, and not only does President Obama hate cowboys, (feigning shock and horror) he loves gays. Oh no, not the gays! That rant was prefaced by a moment where he mocked "queer guitar pickers." Total tool status.

5. Ted Nugent As the reigning king of inflammatory statements, the Nuge has racked up quite a list of reasons why he's a hardcore tool. From calling rappers "big, uneducated, greasy black mongrels" to telling the president he's a piece of shit who should suck on his machine gun and comparing gun owners to the "next Rosa Parks," Nugent is a walking, talking tool. I could go on and on about embarrassing shit this guy has said, but I think perhaps I'll stop feeding the beast. I have a feeling Nugent lives for seeing his name on lists like these.

4. Justin Bieber Everything this kid has done recently has fallen into the category of tool. He has, in the last 24 hours, hit a photographer with his car, which is presumably the same Ferrari that has been terrorizing the children in his upscale community by racing like a bat out of hell down the street, to the point where Keyshawn Johnson chased him down to confront him over it. He's whined all over Twitter, been flagged down on the freeway by folks concerned over his driving, and is apparently going into outer space at some point. T-O-O-L.

Also, when LL Cool J is so concerned with how dumb you look that he's quoted as saying that you don't have to try so hard to be cool, it might be time to reevaluate your public behavior.

3. Chris Brown We all know instinctively that Chris Brown is a tool, but he keeps finding post-Rihanna-assault ways to reiterate that fact. The same guy who won't drop the feud with Drake and allegedly assaulted Frank Ocean over a damned parking space is now bringing you a video, aptly titled "Don't Think They Know," wherein he unites the Bloods and the Crips, preaches against gang violence, and dances around with an Aaliyah hologram.

Yes, Chris Brown, I don't think they know what a total tool you are by pretending to give one single fuck about solving the world's violence problems. And who signed off on that hologram, anyway?

2. Chief Keef Rapper Chief Keef, who ironically appears on Kanye's Yeezus album, has been quite the controversial underage tool this year. This 17-year-old kid has been served with two paternity suits this year alone, and has been arrested for the third time this month, and more than an handful of times this year, for everything from speeding at 110 mph in a 55-mph zone to trespassing. Be that what it may, he solidified his spot on this list when he threatened to assault Katy Perry over her comments about his song last month.

When Perry tweeted that she had "just heard a new song on the radio called 'I hate being sober.' I now have serious doubt for the world," Keef flipped his oh-so-rational shit on her, informing her on Twitter that she could "suck the skin off his dick" and that he would smack the shit out of her. He also threatened to record a song called, "Katy Perry." So yeah. He's a classy one, that kid.

1. Tim Lambesis If you've been arrested and charged with hiring a hit man to kill your wife, you belong on the list of musician tools in the number one spot. Given that Tim Lambesis, of As I Lay Dying fame, has done so, he's in the top spot and will remain there until there comes a usurper that one-ups that awful mess. Hopefully, for the sake of humanity, that does not happen for a long while.

Lambesis was taken into custody on May 7 in San Diego, for allegedly giving an undercover officer $1,000 in cash, photographs of his wife, access codes to her home, and dates when he would be out of town with their children in order to establish an alibi. For what it's worth, Megan Lambesis had filed for divorce late last year, citing irreconcilable differences.

Lambesis, for his part, has pled not guilty, and his lawyer has stated that his bodybuilding obsession led to an all-out steroid addiction that "devastated his thought processes." Ah, the old 'roid-rage defense. Gets 'em every time.

Keep the Houston Press Free... Since we started the Houston Press, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Houston, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Houston with no paywalls.

We use cookies to collect and analyze information on site performance and usage, and to enhance and customize content and advertisements. By clicking 'X' or continuing to use the site, you agree to allow cookies to be placed. To find out more, visit our cookies policy and our privacy policy.