Music's Got 99 Problems, and Jay Z Ain't One

According to a recent report, Justin Bieber's mom -- who we'll just call Mama Bieber -- is planning to launch her music career.

Yes, that means exactly what you think it does. Two Biebers will be working the fame-whore stroll -- probably together, since rumor has it that they're recording a duet. We know what you're thinking: The world doesn't need a Bieber duet, and we'd have to agree with you. The last thing we want to see is more Bieber headlines, about mother or son. They've done enough already.

And the idea of a Bieber duet may be a travesty, but so are a lot of things happening in music at the moment. Miley's tongue shoved down Katy Perry's throat is a prime example. So much wrong; so little right.

So you may be having girl problems, and we do indeed feel bad for you, son. But the real issue here is that music's got 99 problems, and a bitch still ain't one.

99. Chief Keef

98. Future's Honesty

97. '90s nostalgia

96. Mama Bieber

95. Justin Bieber's tattoos

94. Lists

93. Overpriced summer festivals

92. 2 Chainz

91. Egos

90. FM

89. Timber

88. RiFF RaFF's braids

87. Tribute albums

86. Tour riders

85. Groupies

84. Lana Del Rey

83. Man-leggings

82. Skrillex hair

81. Digital technology

80. Celebrity cruises

79. The Voice

78. Irony

77. Farrah Abraham, aka Teen Mom

76. "Fan experiences"

List continues on the next page.

75. Ke$ha's pee [Sorry, Kesha's pee -- ed.]

74. Lady Gaga's wig

73. Producers

72. Glee

72. Cell phones

71. American Idol

70. Concert etiquette

69. The Great Gatsby soundtrack

68. Fall Out Boy

67. Bob Dylan commercials

66. Disney

65. Artist endorsements

64. Corporate radio

63. Cassette revival

62. Artist collaborations

61. Felony egging

60. Deathgrips concert-trolling

59. #Hashtags

58. Corporate scalping

57. "The Accidental Racist"

56. Ticket fees

55. Pop-punk

54. Tweens

53. MTV

52. Shoutouts

51. Chris Brown graffiti

List continues on the next page.

50. Purple drank

49. DJ Paris Hilton

48. "Live" albums

47. Flo Rida tantrums

46. Censorship

45. "Bound 2"

44. Bauuer

43. Flash mobs

42. Harlem Shakes

41. Nu-metal

40. Elitism

39. Backing tracks

38. Stage-diving Miguel

37. Concert sponsors

36. Justin Bieber's blurred penis

35. Sexism

34. Angry Chris Brown

33. Dubstep

32. Twitter rants

31. "Wrecking Ball"

30. Nashville New Wave

29. "Achy Breaky Heart 2"

28. Hip-hopera

27. Hipsters

26. Twerking

List continues on the next page.

25. Stone Temple Pilots with Chester Bennington

24. Queen with Adam Lambert

23. Fake accents

22. Lilly Allen's opinion

21. Unnecessary! Band Name! Punctuation!

20. Subgenres

19. Hipster beards

18. Lady Gaga collaborations

17. Crowdfunding

16. Bangerz

15. Miley's tongue

14. #Selfies

13. Molly

12. Boy-band nostalgia

11. Ryan Seacrest

10. Will.i.am

9. R. Kelly's Black Panties

8. R. Kelly's White Panties

7. Mass media

6. Bro-country

5. Cultural appropriation

4. R. Kelly

3. The Internet

2. Rape anthems

1. Auto-tune


The Ask Willie D Archives Top 10 Bars, Clubs & Ice Houses On the Northside Top 10 Bars, Clubs & Ice Houses In the Galleria Area The 10 Lamest Bands of the '90s

We use cookies to collect and analyze information on site performance and usage, and to enhance and customize content and advertisements. By clicking 'X' or continuing to use the site, you agree to allow cookies to be placed. To find out more, visit our cookies policy and our privacy policy.


Join the Press community and help support independent local journalism in Houston.


Join the Press community and help support independent local journalism in Houston.