So the other day, Rocks Off wrote briefly about Huey Lewis in regards to the Back To The Future
soundtrack, not even thinking to chime in just a little bit about his reportedly huge male member. You know that certain part of the male anatomy all those soft-core porn stars are always talking about on those late night infomercials for boner pills? That one.
Which got us to thinking, what about other rock star penii? We have hated the p-word, so more than likely we'll use "wang" from here on out. What's even funnier is that when we have to refer to our own "thing" we normally just point down and cough. So to even use terms like wang, penis and, daresay, dick in print is a little liberating. Cock. Pee Pee. Boner. Hanger. Banger. Peenie. Weenie.
Sadly we had to make a few sickly and embarrassing Google searches that will probably get us put on a watch list, if we aren't already on one now. We only found a, uh "handful" of sites that purported to list true lengths and girths. The Cynthia Plaster Caster website run by the notorious mold-maker didn't offer much in the way of dimension and, frankly, embarrassed us a little with all its semen imagery. Metal Sludge had a pretty extensive list that we also scoped out. And a big shout-out has to go to The Gauntlet, another metal Web site, for scarring our dreams for the rest of our natural lives.
Strangely, we couldn't find any straight dope on any indie-rock, dance-rock, or even alt-rock peen. Either Conor Oberst or Lady GaGa keep it in their pants or no one wants to divulge any real details when it comes to their "genitals". Honestly we expected a few Hinder or Nickelback mentions out there, but none where anywhere to be found.
Rocks Off has actually been in the crowd at a Stooges show and seen Mr. Pop's rocket. Even as he pushes towards legal retirement age, he's still lettin' it loose. There are also a few pictures sitting around the internet for you to gander at.
Evan Seinfeld (Biohazard):
The frontman of metal-core's Biohazard married porn star Tera Patrick in 2004 and soon found himself literally thrust into the porn world, co-starring with the missus and some other porno broads in a number of adult films. Awesomely, Patrick doesn't care about him performing with other girls, as long he doesn't make her take his name. Tera Seinfeld doesn't exactly get the blood flowing to the ol' wedding tackle, ya know. Proof of his tattooed man-thing is all over the net, if you are interested. Sadly, Biohazard still kinda sucks.
Tony Kanal (No Doubt):
Rumors of the No Doubt bassist's pants-filler has run rampant since the mid-'90s when the band began its storied climb to pop stardom. No wonder Gwen has written so many songs about their relationship and break-up.
With such a name as "Lenny Kravitz", the Good Lord saw fit to endow the rocker with a consolation prize for all the jokes and harassment. On top of whatever it is that he has, the dude pierced it a few years back to further aggravate the situation.
Rocks Off hopes that he is the only one in recorded history to ever Google "Gordon Lightfoot penis." This was the strangest name to pop up on our radar during our research. Maybe "The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald" was actually a veiled fable about his dong. If you read the lyrics, it almost makes sense.
We once read somewhere that Tom Jones could wrap his flaccid member around his wrist like a watch. That was a quiet dinner with our grandma after that, we gotta tell ya. Apparently it was common knowledge in pop music circles in the '60s that homeboy was hung like a Mack truck, if Mack trucks had penises.
Yeah, so we just sort of heard through the grapevine that this dude was hung like Milton Berle. "Huey Lewis & the News" is now a popular euphemism for one's genital region. Every man grows up hoping that his name would one day be slang for having a big dick, so we salute you, Mr. Lewis.
Peter Steele (Type O Negative):
Peter Steele of industrial goth-rockers Type O Negative developed such a rep for this sizable tool that he even made it into the pages of Playgirl
magazine in 1995. A few years back in an interview, Steele expressed regret at his inclusion in the nudie-boy rag in light of his newfound Roman Catholic lifestyle.
Partridge Family singer David Cassidy was called "Donk" by his brothers for the sizeable Partridge bus parked in his pants. At least that's what he said in a tell-all book chronicling his time in the good-time family band.
John Dolmayan (System of a Down):
John Dolmayan is the drummer for Armenian metal gods System of a Down, who are currently on hiatus. It only took the band being on the scene for less than a decade for the Dolmayan to get a following for his knob. There's a drummer joke here to be made about "sticks" and "keeping the beat", but writing this blog has already confused us sexually beyond all repair.
Man-Handle Hall of Fame
Oh, grow up. How were we gonna just leave Tripod off the list? That would be like ignoring the Beatles or the Rolling Stones or something on a list of all-time greatest rock bands.