Welcome to Ask Willie D, Rocks Off's advice column where the Geto Boys MC answers reader questions about matters, in his own words, "funny, serious or unpredictable." Something on your mind? Ask Willie D!
DRUG ADDICTED SON DIVIDING FAMILY
Dear Willie D:
I have to lock my bedroom door at night to feel somewhat safe with my 32-year old drug-addicted son in the house - his drug of choice is crystal meth. He recently threw a brick through my living-room window. He also stole and sold my lawnmower, my TV, mobile phone and microwave oven. I stopped answering the door because he has all kinds of strange people coming to my house looking for him at all times of the night. I came home one day to find a business card from the sheriff's office wedged in the crack of my front door. I feel like a prisoner in my own home.
My oldest son no longer visits me because every time he does he and his brother get into an altercation. The last time he came to visit they had a big fight and my oldest went to jail because he broke his brother's nose. I never married their father and we broke up shortly after the boys were born. Now I'm having regrets because if their father would have helped me raise them, I don't think all of this nonsense would be going on. He was the strict one and I was, or should I say am, the pushover.
This is way too much for me. I'm 64 years old, retired and looking to live out the rest of my life enjoying the fruits of my labor and relaxing for a change. I have tried to get my son professional help. His best friend and even his ex-girlfriend have spoken to him, trying to get him off the drugs, but he won't listen to anybody. If he doesn't turn it around soon, I'm afraid he will end up dead. What do you think is the best way to reach him?
Even though my mother raised me, and for the most part I feel like I turned out okay, a lot of what I faced as a young man growing up my mother simply couldn't relate to. I'm also sure I wouldn't have been such an ornery young man if I had to answer to my dad. So I agree with you; boys need to be raised by men. By your own admission, you're a pushover. That character flaw is the catalyst for your son taking advantage of you.
I'm not opposed to a grown man living with his mother as long as he's not a liability, and your son is clearly a liability. As a parent, you have done your part with your son. You were a softie but you gave him love and guidance. You sheltered and protected him for 32 years to prepare him for the real world.
Now it is time to let go. It will be difficult and your heart will ache, but you have to let go. If you don't you might be the one who ends up dead.
I WANT MY COUSIN TO BE MY SPERM DONOR
Dear Willie D:
I'm ready to have a baby but there's only one problem, I do not have a man in my life. It has gotten to the point where I'm considering a sperm donor, maybe my cousin. I'm 35 years old and all of my close friends have children except me.
I have met a variety of good guys, but they just were not good for me. So rather than settling for a baby by someone I'm not compatible with and having to deal with all of the consequences and legalities that will ultimately manifest later, I prefer to go the non-traditional route.
As you can imagine with my family being rooted in traditional values, this has caused me quite of bit of tongue-lashing, leaving me in complex degrees of anxiety. Adoption might be an option but it is expensive and time-consuming. As much as I want a baby I do have mixed emotions, with the most daunting being minimized by my family.
And what if my child grows up being teased because of the way it was conceived? My biological clock is ticking and I'm starting to get nervous. I'm really counting on you to help me figure this out.
Desperate For A Baby:
I think it's a selfishly awful idea to conceive a baby knowing that the father or mother for that matter will not be in the child's life. I'm the product of a single-mother upbringing and even though I knew who my father was, the fact that he had zero influence in my guidance caused me a great deal of pain and disappointments; so much so that I almost ended up dead.
For most kids growing up fatherless, it won't be that serious, but they will experience sadness and loneliness on those days when other kids are at school functions with their dads but their own dad is absent. Respect goes out to all of the uncles, grandfathers and male role models who fill in, but neither can replace the emotional connection children seek from their own father.
With this huge shift in the social landscape, the father's importance has been diminished considerably by those who would like to convince women that they can do all things independent of a man, including taking on the hardest job in the world, parenting. It is no coincidence that statistics show children with active and loving fathers in their lives overall exhibit better social skills than those without. They test better in school, and are less likely to abuse drugs and alcohol. Studies also prove that kids with caring fathers are also less likely to be abused and neglected, or end up in poverty or committing a crime.
Call me old-fashioned but I don't believe in all that assisted reproductive technology stuff. Fathers are more than just sperm donors. They are critical to the family structure as they are coaches, teachers, confidants, providers, protectors and role models. To prove my point, consider why you and so many smart women wait so long to find "Mr. Right" in the first place.
If you want a child and can't have one the traditional way, I think adoption is a practical approach. To take in an unwanted child is far nobler than manufacturing one.
Dear Willie D:
I'm a 30-year-old woman with four kids by two daddies. Both are disabled: one has cancer and the other kidney failure due to Type 1 Diabetes. While I'm a woman scorned, I have human sympathy for them, but I have children who by law are not entitled to any benefits and I will never receive child support because neither dad can work.
Neither one helps with anything, and in my small town I have to watch them recklessly spend their money! I recently lost my job and I am close to losing everything else, including my mind. What am I gonna do, Willie?
From what I understand about disability, if your exes apply for and receive SSDI, the government will also send each of their dependents a check. A quick Internet search for "disability benefits" should provide the information you need to get started.
Losing your mind is not an option when you have four children. You will find another job; maybe not in time before you lose all of your worldly possessions, but it will happen. I have had money, been broke and had it again so don't get caught up in material possessions. They come and go.
Compassion is a beautiful trait, but if you're struggling to hold down the fort, providing food, clothes and shelter for kids they helped bring into the world, and the fathers are out there making it rain with disability money, I don't see how you could have sympathy for them. Their bodies are disabled, not their minds.
MY GIRL WENT TO A MALE STRIP CLUB
Dear Willie D:
My daughter's mother just recently reconnected with her old wild and loose girlfriend who moved to Houston. She used to hardly ever go out; now my girl and her friend are at the club, happy hour, a restaurant or somewhere other than home about four days a week. She used to be a churchgoing square, but since her friend came back into the picture she's turned into the night-scene party queen.
A few weeks ago her friend went with us to a restaurant to celebrate her grandmother's 80th birthday when a guy at the next table approached her and asked her, "Do I know you?" I was seated away from my girl at the extra-long table. He didn't know we were together, so I didn't feel disrespected. I don't know if she remembered the guy or not, but she acted as though she had never seen him in her life.
Her friend, who already had drunk two glasses of margaritas, blurted out, "Girl, you know him," then proceeded to remind her that he was the guy in the Spider-Man suit at a popular male strip club they attended. My girl had a look on her face like she was trapped in the Twilight Zone. I didn't fare much better. Everybody at the table dropped their jaws, looked away or tried to create new conversations among each other. I was beyond embarrassed.
She told me she went out to the club, but she never mentioned that it was a strip club. I don't like the idea of my girl hanging out at an exotic establishment with half-naked guys shaking their private parts in her face. She didn't really lie about going to the strip club, but she wasn't forthcoming either. There has been tension between us ever since the incident. Do you think it's appropriate for a girl who is in a relationship to go out to a male strip club?
Before you address the strip-club issue, you need to talk to your girl about her choice of friends. What kind of a friend attends a birthday celebration for her friend's grandmother and rats her friend out in front of her friend's family and boyfriend by revealing that she and that friend met a male stripper while he was on the job?
Most women I know find male strip clubs repulsive, while others see no problem with them. Some guys don't have a problem with their women visiting strip clubs. It's all about what floats your boat. Personally, I wouldn't want my girl hanging out at any strip club, let alone a male strip club. The idea of some UFC-fighter-looking dude in a G-string shaking his stanky booty and genitals in my girl's face; well that's just nasty.
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Ask Willie D anything at askwillied.com, and come back next Thursday for more of his best answers.