Gawker is one of the most fun and informative sites on the innerwebs. Where else can you hear about the awful and sexy things that humans do to each other? Each day brings a new bounty of curiousness, like the one about the midget porn star Gordon Ramsay-lookalike that ended up being a hoax. It wasn't Gawker's fault.
Last week while perusing the site like we always do before bed, we realized that a lot of the headlines, or snippets of them, would make great band names. Then we imagined what each band would sound like, and what their fan base would be like, who would go to their shows, and the stupid mythology behind them all. Mostly based on what we hear about local bands.
So of course we took some of the best headlines from the past week on Gawker and got all cutesy and shit with it. Some stories you may recognize, like the Crybaby Governor and Loves To Fart On Girls from recent news.
This band would play a lot of covers from The Band, and all have great beards, the kind you comb in traffic at red lights. They may even have a big female following, though all of the females are in fact just friends of the girlfriends of the guys in the band. Sad face.
Saucy! Maybe kind of a fun, lounge thing? The band dresses up like Mad Men people? Busty female lead singer, and somewhere onstage there is an upright bass. They would play a lot of corporate functions for oil money people looking to feel hip. "Look honey, the drummer has a tattoo on his finger!"
It's a Minor Threat cover band, built only for Halloween shows and birthday parties at Mango's, with a fat Ian MacKaye-lookalike on vocals.
Two-piece drums and bass duo, maybe ripping off from Death From Above a tad too much, but they get the room sweaty.
American Bro would be a '90s-'00s alt-rock cover band that plays at places like Sherlock's bars on the weekends. Covering everything from Lit, Blue October, to Creed. You know who there are hair-metal tribute bands? These guys are a modern-rock tribute band. Baggy jeans, eyeliner, those shiny shirts from Bizarre Bazaar, the works. All Hail Stapp.
You know your friend who has a kid in high school? This is his first punk band. Lots of Blink-182 rip-offs, songs about drinking two beers after school, making out with girls during Twilight, and everyone has a lip ring.
"Um, only my favorite new garage band ever. Dude, they don't even care what they sound like, and the drummer plays naked accept for a Batman mask. I think I graduated with him."
This musical-comedy does a lot of songs about hipsters, bicycles, pointy-boots, and Tumblr. They only play open mic nights, but their YouTube channel is hilarious.
LTFOG breaks up after two backyard shows because the bassist was spending too much time with The Crying, Spying, Shit List and the work was suffering. He just didn't want to do the music an injustice. That, and LTFOG's singer moved to Portland, Oregon with his girlfriend. Miss you bro. Skype me. (I think I made out with her one Halloween.)
"You ever heard of Poison Idea? Huge Crybaby Snitch is like Poison Idea, but like, more folk somehow. I dunno, here's their flyer. I would go but my friend's bachelor party is that night."
I don't like Wants Your Spit. It just never appealed to me, and who just wears masks when they play anymore? Who are they, Slipknot? I'm sure they are all nice chicks.
Man, fuck Husband-Meat. They got a SXSW showcase slot and now they say that they are too big to open for anyone. We get it, the whole Coldplay-meets-Orchid thing, it's catchy. I remember when the singer was in this power-violence thing that played at Super Happy Fun Land all the time. I mean, I would be their merch guy again and tour with them if they asked, but I wouldn't listen to their set.
Never seen Jerkiest Sheriff. I know two of the guys in the band, because I once covered the one guy's hip-hop project. He stopped rapping once he heard the last Dead Weather album at a party and shit was over. He sold a bunch of his drum machine stuff and I think he just plays bass now.
This headline about a mystery masturbator in a public shower at Northwestern yields not one but two band names. Fucksaw U usually plays at suspension shows, and Shower Masturbator is a one-man noise project that uploads ten minute long opus' to Bandcamp each week about how awful his ex-girlfriend is.
(Back off, I want this band name for my own band I wanna start. If you steal it I swear I will hate-tweet the shit out of your shows and tell people you tried to date-rape that one girl who works at the coffee shop.)
I sold one of my Flaming Death Bomb seven-inches on eBay for $200 this summer to some kid in Japan. The shipping costs were horrendous.
Keep the Houston Press Free... Since we started the Houston Press, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Houston, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Houston with no paywalls.