Pop Life

Need Some Advice? Ask The Essential Heart

This is the first in a series of blogs where readers ask major albums by artists passing through Houston for advice in love, money and other quandaries related to the human condition. Email your questions to [email protected] or [email protected]. Today, we turn to Heart's greatest-hits collection, The Essential Heart.

Dear The Essential Heart,

My husband and I are thinking about quitting our jobs and becoming cat breeders. See, we have about six felines ourselves we just adore the little guys and gals. We are both in our late forties and have never had any children on account of him being accidentally sterilized in a hunting accident some years back. Cats have become our main love, our "children" as it were. We would like to keep spreading joy, namely in the form of these adorable kitties that we have been blessed with. How should we go about starting a cat farm?


Dear KM89,

Is it cloak and dagger? Could it be spring or fall? I walk without a cut, through a stained glass wall, weaker in my eyesight. The candle in my grip and words that have no form are falling from my lips. These dreams go on when I close my eyes. Every second of the night I live another life. These dreams that sleep when it's cold outside. Every moment I'm awake the further I'm away.

Dear The Essential Heart,

My daughter is falling in with the wrong crowd at her high school. She's constantly stealing money from my purse and I think she is dating her Biology teacher. I once woke up to find her standing over me with ice pick and a plastic bag. She used to be such a good girl, but since me and her father divorced two years ago nothing has seemed to fix her wayward attitude. I just feel that it's too soon for my daughter yet, she should be at home. Help, The Essential Heart!


Dear MM74,

Something's missing and you got to look back on your life. You know something here just ain't right. What about love? Don't you want someone to care about you? What about love? Don't let it slip away! What about love?!

Dear The Essential Heart,

My riding John Deere lawn mower won't turn on since I added some gas. I think the gas might have had some water in it. The mower ran initially a very short time but quit. I took all existing gas out of the tank and put new gas in. It still won't start. What can I do to fix it?

Stumped In Spring

Dear SIS,

Poor little dreamer, stand inside the door. You can't find the easy rhymes of time you had before. It hurts my heart so bad, seeing you sigh and shake. Broken down so low, so sad I can't let you break. Cry to me. Cry to me. You better not hide it. Let it come. Let it bleed. I ain't laughing, reach in and get it and set it free. Cry to me. Cry to me.

Dear The Essential Heart,

If you find small bumps around your genital area is it a sign you have an STD or could it be an allergic reaction to something?

Scared Lady-Boy In Sealy


So this ain't the end, I saw you again today. I had to turn my heart away. Smiled like the sun kisses for everyone and tales, it never fails. You lying so low in the weeds, I bet you gonna ambush me. You'd have me down, down, down, on my knees, now wouldn't you, Barracuda? And if the real thing don't do the trick, you better make up something quick. You gonna burn, burn, burn, burn, into the wick. Oh, Barracuda?

The Essential Heart is a syndicated advice columnist whose weekly column, "Ask The Essential Heart," is featured in over 250 newspapers nationwide. Heart plays the Arena Theatre at 7:30 p.m. tonight.

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Craig Hlavaty
Contact: Craig Hlavaty