Not So Fab: Five Songs You Won't Find on The Beatles: Rock Band

Sorry, Joe Strummer, but "phony Beatlemania" hasn't bitten the dust yet, not with the release of both the remastered Beatles catalogue and The Beatles: Rock Band this week. Rocks Off knows this all to well, having flung down the gauntlet of challenge to all those who would test their video-game chops against us at Coffee Groundz tomorrow night.

But even a band as successful and influential as the Beatles didn't get it right all the time. For every "Day in the Life" there's a "Mr. Moonlight." For every "Eleanor Rigby," an "Octopus' Garden." To drive this point home even more repetitively, here are a few of the Fab Four's worst songs, which you definitely won't find in Rock Band.

"Why Don't We Do It In The Road,"The Beatles ("The White Album"):
Rocks Off seems to remember a 1970s interview with John Lennon where he sarcastically described this as the best song Paul ever wrote. Even if we were hallucinating that, the song is ample proof of the amount of filler on this album. Though it's worth remembering any time you have to come up with something besides "You Ain't Seen Nothing Yet" and "My Generation" in a contest to name songs that contain stuttering.

"The Word" (Rubber Soul): This cut makes a lot more sense when you remember John had only been smoking weed for a short time, and as such was still in that amusing early-stoner state of mind where the answer to all of life's woes is something fairly simple, like love, or peace or smoking so much pot you'll even let Ringo sing a few tunes.

"Wild Honey Pie," (The Beatles): Paul gets all the blame for this one, as John and Ringo were absent from the studio and George was off in Greece. And in case anybody thinks Yoko was the only negative female influence on the band, it should be noted that George's wife Pattie Boyd was reportedly the one who convinced them to include it on the album.

"Blue Jay Way," Magical Mystery Tour:
One of the pitfalls of achieving mega-super-stardom as a musician is the insidious belief that everything in your life is worth documenting in music. For future generations' benefit, sitting around your estate in the Hollywood Hills waiting for a ride probably isn't "A" song material. And look at all that smoke... no wonder George got lung cancer.

"Revolution 9," The Beatles:
"But it's not a song." "But they invented sampling." Oh, shut up. Look, no one can argue the Beatles shouldn't have been allowed to experiment, and some of their later output is among the greatest rock music ever released, but self-indulgent crap like this is the reason people invented the "skip" button on CD players.

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Peter Vonder Haar writes movie reviews for the Houston Press and the occasional book. The first three novels in the "Clarke & Clarke Mysteries" - Lucky Town, Point Blank, and Empty Sky - are out now.
Contact: Pete Vonder Haar