(Not The) Royal Wedding Playlist

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Planning a wedding is a real pain in the ass. Rocks Off knows, because we (and our fiancée) were forced by geographic and financial issues to do 99 percent of the legwork for our own nuptials. There's the usual stuff like reception location, whether you're going to make up your own vows, and how best to pair up the single people in your bridal and groom parties to maximize the possibility of regrettable drunken post-reception hook-ups.

But music is a huge part of any wedding. What - if any - selections will you play during the ceremony? Will it be recordings or live singers? And then there's the live band vs. DJ reception dilemma. For most of us, a live band isn't cost-effective, not that Wills and Kate have to worry about that:

We know that William and Catherine have engaged the Royal Harpist, Claire Jones to perform background music; she hasn't revealed what she is playing, but as for any musician playing at a wedding, it is a very special occasion and one that she is very excited about.

We also know that the Welsh Guards: The Prince of Wales's regiment are playing as guards of honour. My understanding is that they will play alongside the Royal party going to and from the Abbey, but also play at the Buckingham Palace entrance that guests arrive at. What a welcome, and what an unforgettable experience!

We don't know at this stage what other background music will be taking place during the reception, although there could be some options, including a smaller 'concert' band of the Welsh Guards playing background music, or possibly a string quartet or small orchestra.

Doesn't sound like they'll be employing the services of "London Mobile Disco DJ" or the like, which is probably just as well, because Rocks Off has come up with a list of cuts you're almost guaranteed not to hear at this Friday's royal wedding reception.

The Sex Pistols, "God Save the Queen": This is about as controversial as "Moon River" at this point. You've had covers by everyone from Megadeth to Motorhead to Nouvelle Vague, and that original raw punk sentiment had arguably already been co-opted even before the Pistols' self-implosion at the Winterland. Elizabeth II still probably doesn't appreciate "She ain't no human being," however.

The Housemartins, "Flag Day": See? Not ten years after the Pistols broke up and you've already got these Bible-thumping socialists singing about what a tightwad the Queen is. And Paul Heaton never even got beaten up by skinheads. That's no way to run a monarchy.

Manic Street Preachers, "Repeat (Stars and Stripes)": Don't tell us Richey Edwards' disappearance had nothing to do with lyrics like, "Repeat after me/ Fuck queen and country." Next you'll try and convince me Princess Diana wasn't killed by the Bilderberg Group.

The Smiths, "The Queen is Dead": Pretty self-explanatory, we think. Oh, to be a guest at the reception so we could sidle up to a drunk (or "pissed") Prince Charles and get to the bottom of that cross-dressing thing. Right before the Beefeaters took our head.

The Beatles, "Her Majesty": While we personally might not consider this to be all that offensive, we can see that poor harpist trying to sneak a rendition in (on a dare from the head waiter, no doubt) and getting sent to play birthday parties in Mozambique for the rest of her life.

The Exploited, "God Saved the Queen": Given the security concerns surrounding the impending ceremony, we're going out on a limb and saying a line liked "God saved the Queen with blanks from a gun" wouldn't be received too well by a police force already chasing flash mobs across central London.

Stone Roses, "Elizabeth My Dear ": Ian Brown couldn't have been that serious with this one. He says he "won't rest 'til she's lost her throne," yet there she sits, and the Roses haven't released an album in 17 years.

Pink Floyd, "When the Tigers Broke Free": It sounds regal enough, and it doesn't actually mention any living members of the royal family. That said, The Queen may have issue with references to father (George VI) rubber-stamping death certificates. Especially after that nice King's Speech movie won all those awards.

ABBA, "Dancing Queen": Does the Queen dance anymore? We bet we could get her out on the floor. After all, no one air-tambourines to ABBA like Rocks Off.

Follow Rocks Off on Facebook and on Twitter at @HPRocksOff.

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