See that map above? It knows things.
It knows if most of your entire state is sporting permed ponytails and jamming out to horrible '90s rock, like in North Dakota. But it also knows when your state is a bunch of bearded hipsters with collective "outsider" tastes, like Pennsylvania.
It even knows that Texas, as a collective, has awesome taste in music. George Strait, anyone?
In case you haven't heard about it yet, that there map is something Time magazine put together to shame the 50 states -- aside from Texas -- about their musical taste. The Time folks took data from The Echo Nest, a musical-intelligence platform, and figured out the artists each state listens to more than the others. Then they delivered this fantastic map to us, so we could make all kinds of fun at each state's No. 1 artists.
The results? High-larious. Here are some of our favorites. Hey, Florida. Your Rick Ross-ass is showing.
North Dakota: Stone Sour Really, ND? We know it's a bit depressing to live so close to an awesome country like Canada and Mayor Rob Ford, but maybe it's time to let that suck-machine known as Stone Sour go.
But you don't have to sit up in your dark room, feeling all angsty and alone, ND. You've got 49 other states giving you a big hug. Now, hop on over to Wisconsin and let the happy melodies of their favorite guy, Jack Johnson, take over. Happy thoughts, North Dakota.
South Dakota: Hinder South Dakota, you don't have to try to be like your northern neighbors in suck. It's okay to come into this century and admit that Hinder has really never released anything worth listening to. Are you still couples-skating to that awful "Lips of an Angel" song or something?
Please put down the Hinder and sample the sweet, sweet tuneage of Nebraska, who surprisingly has the hots for Bastille. We would have assumed much lamer things from the Cornhusker State.
Rhode Island: Nirvana Listen, we dig a bit of Nirvana here and there too. But how much Nirvana could you possibly be listening to, Rhode Island? They only had four original albums, and one was an MTV Unplugged! And isn't that Seattle's schtick anyway?
Maybe you need to rethink the whole Nirvana obsession, RI, and join the Jerry Garcia-loving New Hampshire. Everyone likes the Grateful Dead.
Ohio: Florida Georgia Line Maybe Ohio just doesn't know what good country music is, but we cannot with Florida Georgia Line. Guys, it's bro-country. Come on down to Texas, and we'll show you a thing or two about some twang that isn't manufactured or airbrushed.
Also, it's a little weird, not only because that song about cruisin' and short-shorts is terrible, but because Ohio is nowhere near the actual Florida-Georgia line. Learn some geography, guys.
Story continues on the next page.
Kentucky: Fall Out Boy No, Kentucky. Do not light 'em up, up, up. Just...no. NOTHING IS ON FI-YAAAAAAA.
Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros: Pennsylvania Woooooooow, PA. Why you so hip, with your love of hipster bands with gratuitously long names and all? Is it because you have to compete with New York? You're cool, even without your beards. We promise. You don't need to stake claims to hipster bands to fit in.
Vermont: Phish Is anyone surprised by this Vermont's hippie madness? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Waaaaaay predictable, Vermont.
Maryland: Kelly Rowland Huh. The only reason this surprises us is because we just realized there's no Beyonce on this map. We call shenanigans. Everyone knows Beyonce always trumps the rest of Destiny's Child, even by accident. Well, way to go, Kelly. You win Maryland, and Maryland wins some mediocre taste in R&B.
Florida: Rick Ross It's not like this surprises us or anything, it's just so freaking fitting. Rick Ross? Florida? Man, you guys are PB&J in your antics. Keep on keepin' on, Florida. Someone's got to keep Rozay in those red bottoms, we guess. Might as well be you.
Nevada:Ciara Okay, so it's not that there's anything necessarily wrong with Ciara...it's just that we're a bit confused by the whole Nevada Ciara obsession. Aren't you guys all hip and shit, with the Vegas clubs and the booze that flows like rivers, and the legal hookers? We expected something way more, well, dancey-dance of you, Nevada. How does Connecticut wind up with David Guetta on their state, and you guys have freakin' Ciara?
Seriously, we call shenanigans. There's no way you guys leave the Skrillex "Light" show at Mandalay and drive home listening to "Goodies." The idea of that is just confusing as fuck.
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