Ozzy Osbourne rolls into town tonight for the second leg of his worldwide Scream tour. Given the guy's past, we'd be lying if we said we didn't suspect this might be the last go-round for the 62-year old former Black Sabbath front man, and Rocks Off will be at Toyota Center to chronicle what could very well be the Godfather of Metal's swan song.
But while Ozzy's sinister legacy has been tamed somewhat by a reality show, World of Warcraft commercials, and the ever increasing evidence of his mortality, we prefer to look back fondly on the ribald tales of Ozzy's youth.
If you grew up in Texas in the '80s, you heard all about the infamous "Alamo pissing" incident (though he
And yet, for all the allegations of Satanism and stories of Herculean drug and alcohol intake, Rocks Off chooses to examine another aspect of his personality: His lifelong relationship with the animal kingdom.
It goes all the way back to 1981, when he bit the head of a dove at a meeting with record execs in Los Angeles, but that wouldn't be the last time Ozzy...interacted with lesser species. Warning: some of these stories may be disturbing to those with tender sensibilities.
What do you want? He's the Prince of Fucking Darkness, not Dr. Fucking Doolittle.
The 1984 Ozzy/Motley Crue tour has been chronicled for its excesses in both The Dirt and I Am Ozzy. Surprisingly, one of the more innocuous stories to come out of it was the tale of Ozzy snorting a line of ants, in an apparently successful effort to one-up the Crue's Nikki Sixx.
Honestly though, what's the big deal? If they survived the brief journey through his undoubtedly cocaine-caked sinuses, the insects would've died instantly in his stomach. Now, if he'd snorted fire ants...
This was the incident that cemented Ozzy's diabolical reputation with parents, Christian groups and hydrophobes everywhere. Though considering his habit of chucking raw meat and other effluvia around the stage in those days, this was probably far from the worst thing that ended up in his mouth.
If this had been from the original late-'70s run of The Muppet Show, you know Ozzy would have been all up in Miss Piggy. Hell, he probably had sex with puppets before and didn't even know it. And after listening to this, we're not convinced she still wouldn't be willing to throw the guy a (ham)bone anyway.
Audiences across America watched in horrified anticipation for the moment Ozzy finally lost it and threw one of Sharon's turbo-defecating dogs out a window on The Osbournes. That he never did shows the guy to be a true lover of the little creatures. Except birds. And arthropods.
What better end to our list than seeing Ozzy wolf out in this, the title track to 1983'sBark at the Moon
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? Finally, the former animal abuser comes full circle by actuallyturning into an animal himself
. Sounds like we all learned a lesson today.