Ozzy Osbourne's Top Five Animal Moments

Ozzy Osbourne rolls into town tonight for the second leg of his worldwide Scream tour. Given the guy's past, we'd be lying if we said we didn't suspect this might be the last go-round for the 62-year old former Black Sabbath front man, and Rocks Off will be at Toyota Center to chronicle what could very well be the Godfather of Metal's swan song.

But while Ozzy's sinister legacy has been tamed somewhat by a reality show, World of Warcraft commercials, and the ever increasing evidence of his mortality, we prefer to look back fondly on the ribald tales of Ozzy's youth.

If you grew up in Texas in the '80s, you heard all about the infamous "Alamo pissing" incident (though he didn't actually piss on the mission itself). And if you were a metal fan, you knew Ozzy -- like Judas Priest -- was also sued for allegedly encouraging his listeners to commit suicide. Which makes perfect business sense.

And yet, for all the allegations of Satanism and stories of Herculean drug and alcohol intake, Rocks Off chooses to examine another aspect of his personality: His lifelong relationship with the animal kingdom.

It goes all the way back to 1981, when he bit the head of a dove at a meeting with record execs in Los Angeles, but that wouldn't be the last time Ozzy...interacted with lesser species. Warning: some of these stories may be disturbing to those with tender sensibilities.

What do you want? He's the Prince of Fucking Darkness, not Dr. Fucking Doolittle.

5. Ants, Snorting

The 1984 Ozzy/Motley Crue tour has been chronicled for its excesses in both The Dirt and I Am Ozzy. Surprisingly, one of the more innocuous stories to come out of it was the tale of Ozzy snorting a line of ants, in an apparently successful effort to one-up the Crue's Nikki Sixx.

Honestly though, what's the big deal? If they survived the brief journey through his undoubtedly cocaine-caked sinuses, the insects would've died instantly in his stomach. Now, if he'd snorted fire ants...

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Peter Vonder Haar writes movie reviews for the Houston Press and the occasional book. The first three novels in the "Clarke & Clarke Mysteries" - Lucky Town, Point Blank, and Empty Sky - are out now.
Contact: Pete Vonder Haar