Listen up, live music fans. It's time for an etiquette lesson. No, not a lesson on how to pour tea or eat crumbly shit without spilling down your blouse. This lesson is on concert etiquette.
Some of you may need it, some of you may not, but I'm sure you know a few people who could brush up on their concert-going skillz. In that case, you can pass this along to them now that you know it exists.
Now put your pinky fingers in the air and follow me. Let's do this. Here are some basic lessons in concert etiquette. We'll all be fancy by the end of this.
10. Don't go to concerts to make out. That makes everyone uncomfortable. EVERYONE. This isn't a prude thing, it's a PDA-aversion thing. I don't need you rubbing your dude's ass in the two square inches I'm allotted, because somehow you're accidentally(?) feeling me up too, and it's awkward.
Presumably, you are attending said concert in those expensive-ass seats to enjoy the music, not an air-shag, so listen to it and we're all good.
9. Playground rules are basically good anytime, anywhere. Don't cut. Don't jump seats and try to get closer. It's rude. If you want better seats, buy better tickets or get online when the tickets go on sale and don't wait until the day of, or you run the risk of not being able to see.
That's your own fault. But if you wait, it still doesn't give you the right to jump over other people's seats and launch yourself into open-seat freedom. In reality, those seats probably aren't really open, and you'll have to launch back to your seats when the rightful owners return from their bathroom escapade anyway. Save us all the hassle and the shoe imprints on our chairs.
8. Don't talk over acoustic sets. Seriously, for Christ's sake, stop talking over acoustic sets. Just don't. Not much more needs to be said. It's incredibly rude to the artist, and even more rude to your friendly seat-neighbors.
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7. Arm room is sparse. Stop putting your damn elbows all over my shit. We aren't close like that yet, although your elbow has totally been acquainted with my boob more than twice in the first song alone.
It doesn't want to be friends, and I would presume your elbow really doesn't want to either, but its owner won't stay in its box. Stay in your box. Your elbow -- and my boob -- want you to.
6. Get your damn camera/iPhone/electronic gadget out of my face. This goes hand in hand with the personal-space rule. You see, if I cannot see because you are waving a glowing electronic device -- from which all you're doing is taking a sub-par video or selfie anyway -- throughout my line of vision, or if I have to watch the show through said digital gadget because it's completely blocking any view I had, I'm inclined to grab it and accidentally drop it. Accidentally.
5. On that note, don't turn around mid-concert and ask me to take a photo of you and your friends. Just, well, NO, especially mid-song. True story: this has happened on more than one occasion, and I can't help it. I morph into writer-Hulk, and I am more than likely to at least give you my resting-bitch face, if not more.
No, I will not take your photo in the middle of "Magic Man," dude. I don't care if the stage makes the best backdrop evar for your photo. However, if you continue to attempt to hand me your camera and distract me from watching the show, I will accidentally drop it, as stated above. I'm a total butterfingers.
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4. Bring your kids if you want, but concerts shouldn't need "Parental Guidance" stickers. I'm all for educating the next generation on music, but only to appropriate concerts. Lil Wayne is not an appropriate replacement for a proper sex education class, and that's what you're doing to your eight-year-old. You're explaining the birds and the bees by way of the word "hoe" and the phrase "face down, ass up." Rumor has it when Lil Wayne sneezes, three babies are born. Do you really want to educate your child by way of Weezy?
3. Don't yell shit -- especially requests -- unless prompted. Oh, and never "Freebird," even at a Skynyrd concert because you'll still be the only one who finds it funny. Seriously, yelling things is kinda weird when you're well aware the only fools that can hear you are right next to you. Contrary to popular belief, they do, in fact, own eardrums. And you're bursting them with your yelling.
2. If you are in a standing-room-only venue, don't purposely shove your way to the front and block the tiny folks. They've been standing steady, avoiding the bathroom and beer, to hold their spot in the front because if they don't, they can't see jack shit. Don't ruin it 'cause you're physically able to hurl them out of the way in your drunken quest for front-of-the-crowd greatness. Get there earlier, don't drink so you don't have to pee and therefore forfeit your spot, or do whatever you have to do, but don't be a dick. Being short sucks. Trust me, I know.
1. Sharing is caring. If you're hell-bent on doing any or all of the above, well, pass along whatever substance it is that's making you act like a damned fool, because I'm gonna need it to tolerate you.
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