Sorry, ladies. Prince William is (almost!) officially off the market. When the future King of England officially announced his engagement to girlfriend Kate Middleton earlier today, Rocks Off instantly envisioned potential entertainers for the couple's 2011 wedding.
As usual, our minds mostly gravitated toward the preposterous, but we think this lineup would make for a colorful royal reception. Can you imagine what this wedding gig would pay?
Oasis Odds: 5,000:1
Nothing says "Happy nuptials" like a familial scuffle. Brothers and bandmates Liam and Noel Gallagher are no strangers to public sibling spats. The Manchester natives' turbulent history peaked with Noel's 2009 announcement that he was quitting Oasis after 18 years. Between public outbursts of head-butting and spitting at one another and smashing each others' guitars, we're entertained just entertaining the outlandish idea of such dysfunction at the otherwise utterly proper affair.
Pink Odds: 100:1
Pop singer and animal-rights devotee Pink aims her activist efforts high, slamming Prince William for his interest in fox hunting, calling him a "redneck from the South." The move wasn't the singer's first petition to the Royal Family; she'd earlier written a letter to William's grandmother Queen Elizabeth, protesting Her Majesty's guards' use of bearskin hats. Props to the singer for defending her beliefs, but we don't expect to see the PETA pop princess at this wedding.
Kanye West Odds: 50:1
In a recent interview with former Australian Prime Minister Kevin Rudd, Prince William revealed his iPod isn't exactly loaded with tactful classical composers we might expect from an heir apparent. Instead, the royal spawn prefers notorious rapper Kanye West. "I normally get the piss taken out of me for my choice of music," the Prince confided.
Despite his esteem for the wild rapper, we struggle to imagine Queen Elizabeth and her Royal Court sharing his sentiment; "Gold Digger" especially might not translate well. It's one thing to interrupt a country starlet's acceptance speech at the VMAs, but throw in the inevitable royal toast, and this situation becomes potential train-wreck gold.
"Yo, Chuck, I'ma let you finish..."
We Believe Local Journalism is Critical to the Life of a City
Engaging with our readers is essential to the mission of the Houston Press. Make a financial contribution or sign up for a newsletter, and help us keep telling Houston’s stories with no paywalls.
Support Our Journalism
Lady Gaga Odds: 10:1
The pop sensation revealed her crush on Prince William's brother, the comparably handsome Prince Harry, to British newspaper The Sun. "I spotted him last year in a club and couldn't take my eyes off him," the singer revealed. We think Gaga would make a colorful addition to the royal wedding; if not approved as entertainer, perhaps she could attend the ceremony on Harry's arm - he'd make am excellent Little Monster. After all, little bros need love too.
Elton John Odds: 2:1
A friend of the Royal Family since the 1970s, John was among the few closest to Prince William's mother, the late Princess Diana. Following her tragic 1997 death, he rewrote the legendary "Candle in the Wind" in her honor. Perhaps the only artist on this list whose odds seem realistically feasible, we think the Rocket Man's presence, musical or not, would be appreciated on this alternately joyous occasion.