When Rocks Off saw a press release with the subject line, "SNOOP DOGG RELEASES BRAND NEW SONG FOR PRINCE WILLIAM'S BACHELOR PARTY," we assumed perhaps April Fool's had arrived early.
Last week, you see, when news broke of Prince William's engagement to Kate Middleton, we had fun pulling together our dream wedding band for the affair. But it was only a joke - a wishful, preposterous vision of a rock and roll train wreck at an otherwise inevitably stuffy event.
Heedlessly, we left Snoop Dogg off that list - but he's clearly compensated. The rap superstar has just written and released a brand new single entitled "Wet." Our favorite part? The song was released Wednesday at 4:20 p.m.
And the bewildering part? The track was written specifically for Prince William's bachelor party. Snoop himself describes the song as "the "perfect anthem for Prince William or any playa to get the club smokin'." "Wet" is slated to appear on Snoop's forthcoming album Doggumentary Music, due out in March.
If this seems like it all came out of left field, it did - kind of. Funnily enough, Prince William's little brother and rumored party-boy Prince Harry has asked Snoop (along with Brit rapper Tinie Tempah) to perform at the Prince's upcoming stag party.
"When I heard the royal family wanted to have me perform in celebration of Prince William's marriage," Snoop explains, "I knew I had to give them a little something."
That little something, "Wet," is essentially a raunchy and lyrically detailed ode to - well, you name it: Lust, sex, oral sex, foreplay, etc., etc. This song just oozes "royalty."
Stu: "Why don't we remember a god-damned thing from last night?" Phil: "Obviously because we had a great fucking time."
Last year, we laughed our asses off at The Hangover, a comedy about four guys traveling to Las Vegas for their pal's bachelor party. But surely that movie will have nothing on Prince William's party. Now that Snoop has been (potentially) thrown into the mix Rocks Off has envisioned how the evening might go...
8:12 p.m., Dinner With the Royal Family - Buckingham Palace
Snoop arrives for dinner with the fam - Dad, Camilla, and Grandma Lizzy and Grandpa Phil. I blush, pushing around my dessert of crumpets and treacle pudding, as they joke about my dwindling bachelorhood. Uh-oh, topic of discussion has switched to that crazy song Snoop wrote for me! Grandma Lizzy is wondering about the lyrics! Just as Snoop gets to the chorus ("Drip, drop for me, Mami"), I abruptly announce dinner is over, and we head out. That was a close call.
9:01, Private Limo, En Route to Strip Club
We've decided to head to Stringfellow Strip Gentleman's Club, which comes highly recommended by my Yankee friend Kiefer Sutherland. But first we stop to pick up a friend of Snoop's, a rather disheveled looking hot-mess Brit named Pete Doherty. He sports a dim-witted grin and a bag-of-tricks of sorts.
10:06, Stringfellow Gentleman's Club parking lot
It's peculiar how I can't remember what took place in the last hour. As we exit the limo, I notice a cloud of smoke and an odd white dust seeping from the windows. My driver laughs it off and we head into the club. I hear it's rather classy, considering.
10:33, Stringfellow Gentleman's Club
We walk into Stringfellow pleased to see the dancers are dancing to "Wet." We decide to head to the Champagne Room, but on our way I spot a nasty paparazzo snapping my picture. Oh, no! I'd deceitfully told Kate we were taking an innocent weekend yachting trip off the coast of Martha's Vineyard! Realizing the serious threat this poses, I hurl a punch at the photographer. Snoop and Harry join in the now bar-wide brawl. I think Pete intended to help, but he couldn't manage to stand up.
11:17, Back in the Stringfellow parking lot
We're forcefully thrown out of the club, but not before Snoop manages to gather a small handful of scantily-clad strippers to join the party. As we're piling into the limo, we notice a dazed and shoeless Amy Winehouse wandering the parking lot, so we invite her to come too.
After a fast-food pit-stop at Fish & Chips, we're concocting more cocktails in the limo (Snoop is insistent on gin & juice), when we receive a call from our Anglo buddy Willie Nelson. It seems he's had some run-ins with the law lately and could use some company. We decide to take advantage of the time difference and high-tail it to London Heathrow Airport to catch the red-eye to... Pedernales, Texas?
12:00 p.m (Texas time!), Willie's Place, Pedernales
As we walk into the Nelson-owned roadhouse, we notice that somewhere along the way, we've lost Pete. Not to worry, he had a court date in the morning, anyhow. I'm shocked I still have so much energy, considering it's 5 a.m. back in England. Luckily, our private flight offered bottomless Four Lokos; I think those helped.
12:13, Backstage at Willie's Place
I'm wired. Harry has taken interest in a pretty blond in cowboy boots. Wino has passed out in the green room. Snoop and Willie are discussing the "art of marijuana" as the room slowly balloons with smoke. I love Texas.
9:52 a.m., London, My Bachelor Pad
I jump out of bed (how did I get here?), kicking empty cans of Four Loko to the ground, falling beside what appears to be a litter of newborn kittens, not to mention a giant dildo. But I'll deal with that later. Snoop is passed out on the floor; bright red lipstick marks decorate his face, a collection of cheap Mardi Gras beads adorns his neck.
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SHOW ME HOW
A quick glance in the mirror reveals the numbers "420" boldly written on my forehead. Somewhere in the distance, "Wet" is playing yet again. This song will be the end of me.
10:30, En Route to Brunch With Kate
As I make my way to meet Kate for our pre-nuptial brunch, I attempt to make sense of the missing pieces of the previous night. Feeling defeated and hung over, I give up trying to rehash what clearly must have been an outrageous night. As I exit the car to meet Kate, I feel thankful for my adventurous last hurrah and walk proudly and confidentially to meet my Princess-in-Waiting.
Eager to trade (heavily edited) tales of our stag parties, I pause to recall a line from my favorite American movie, The Hangover, and a solid piece of advice to keep in mind: "Remember, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas - except for herpes. That shit will come back with you."