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Rap Round Table: The Most Ridiculous Rap-Related Crimes of All

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Some rappers happen to be thoughtful, intelligent people. Each week, Rocks Off will have some of them here discussing issues relevant to their culture.

This Week's Panel: Mac, Kiotti, D-Risha, Brad Gilmore

Not Invited: The guys behind those World's Dumbest Criminals TV shows.

This Week's Prompt: Lil Wayne (allegedly) mollywhopped someone with a skateboard. This, of course, is wonderfully humorous. So, the question: What is the most ridiculous rap-related crime that's ever occurred?

Note: This was sent out to 30 or so rappers. Of the responses, these are the four best, along with one from us just because it absolutely could not go unmentioned.

4. "When Jay-Z stabbed Un [Lance] Rivera in Mafia fashion. Not really funny, but very serious.

-- D-Risha

Remember this? It happened in 1999. Most people likely don't know who Lance Rivera is (he's a record producer, FYI). Just trust that anyone audacious enough to be named "Lance" deserves to be stabbed, like, at least twice a week. Lance? LANCE?

Oh, also, the best part of this whole thing: Jay-Z claimed that it helped Rocawear sales. You can read all about it in Decoded.

3. Rick Ross punching Vlad. Why talk crazy about someone, then press charges when they Ike Turner your face? Consequences.

-- Kiotti

In the history of Rappers Punching Faces, Ross punching Vlad ranks surprisingly high. (Probably on account of how much people seem to genuinely dislike Vlad.) A summation: Vlad said things Ross didn't like, Ross punched Vlad, Ross was ordered to pay Vlad $300K for doing so.

A gem of a deal for Vlad, really. I mean, I've been punched in the face several times, none of which involved me receiving any money. Mostly, the only things I ever got were 1) black eyes and 2) in trouble.

It would have to be DMX impersonating an FBI agent. He pulled over an assailant and asked for his license.

-- Brad Gilmore

I mean, 1,000 jokes.

1. When ODB filmed himself trying to get them food stamps.

-- Mac

HE RODE TO THE WELFARE OFFICE IN A GODDAMN LIMOUSINE, BRO.

BONUS PICK

The most egregious rap offense of the last 100 years: Big Boi's cameo on Law & Order: SVU.

Big Boi is hardly the first rapper to show up on one of the Law & Order shows (there are about 100 different offshoots, I believe). Still, none were as bad as this one. It wasn't even his acting that was so offensive (he's a swell enough actor), it was his role.

You needn't know much else beyond the fact that he ends up GETTING EATEN BY HYENAS. Thanks for that, Big Boi.


Follow Rocks Off on Facebook and on Twitter at @HPRocksOff.

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