Rebecca Black Pulls "Friday" Vid, Heralds The Apocalypse

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Mason Lankford said, "There will come a day when we forget the Rapture ever even happened," but Rocks Off is keeping an eye out for signs of our impending Armageddon. We were wrong last time, but we're totally right this time!

Rebecca Black shot into... fame? Notoriety? Is there even a word for her particular brand of celebrity? Whatever else you can say about the young singer millions of people know her for the video of her song 'Friday"... a song that is rapidly overtaking Drowning Pool's "Bodies" when we ask musicians what the worst song in the world is in our 30 Seconds With... column.

Well, the song has been removed from YouTube after over 160 million views, one view for more than half of the population of the United States. To put it another way, if every person who watched that video had voted for John McCain, he would be president now.

Black's management reportedly took down the video because of a copyright dispute with Ark Music Factory, who in creating the music video for $4,000, proved that everything the Joker said about money in The Dark Knight was not only accurate, but slightly understated.

Some of you may be sighing in relief over the fact that possibly the most annoying corner of the internet has been eliminated, but that's because you don't realize that the removal of the video means THE END OF THE WORLD!

Here's the pertinent text, from -Revelation 6:12-17:

And I beheld when he had opened the sixth seal, and, lo, there was a great earthquake; and the sun became black as sackcloth of hair, and the moon became as blood;

And the stars of heaven fell unto the earth, even as a fig tree casteth her untimely figs, when she is shaken of a mighty wind.

And the heaven departed as a scroll when it is rolled together; and every mountain and island were moved out of their places.

And the kings of the earth, and the great men, and the rich men, and the chief captains, and the mighty men, and every bondman, and every free man, hid themselves in the dens and in the rocks of the mountains;

And said to the mountains and rocks, Fall on us, and hide us from the face of him that sitteth on the throne, and from the wrath of the Lamb:

For the great day of his wrath is come; and who shall be able to stand?

Rebecca, according to some etymologists, means "earth" or "soil." So when the sixth seal is opened and an earthquake hits the whole planet turning the sun black, could it possibly be any more of a reference to Rebecca Black?

Since we all know that the Internet is the guiding light of modern thought, our sun growing the weeds of mind if you will, it can be easily assumed that people who were watching her video were not at the time doing anything else. Her earthquake turned the sun black, Rebecca Black that is.

Let's not gild the lily here. The music video for "Friday" gave us all serious pause about what exactly has gone wrong with the music world that we used to know and love. It was frightening that the damned thing even existed, let alone became more popular than we could have possibly imagined.

It overshadowed many other brilliant music videos by destroying the desire of people to view any music videos at all. Heaven, as in music, did indeed "depart as a scroll when it is rolled together, and every mountain and island," which is to say other more talented and deserving artists, were moved out of their places.

Rocks Off can't speak for you because we're so busy speaking for God, but as musicians we lost a lot of faith the act of music itself upon the rise of "Friday." If we're shaken to the bone, it's possible that "the kings of the earth, and the great men, and the rich men, and the chief captains, and the mighty men" might go into shameful hiding in the face of the "Friday's" Wal-Martian takeover of the media.

"Well," you say, "It's over now. We can rest easy." Did you have a brain tumor for breakfast? After the sixth seal comes the seventh seal, and after the seventh seal you can put the chairs up on the tables of the planet and lock the door on your way out. The end is nigh, sinners.

Blessed is he that readeth, and they that hear the words of this prophecy, and keep those things which are written therein: for the time is at hand.

- Revelations 1:3

Follow Rocks Off on Facebook and on Twitter at @HPRocksOff.

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