Yeah! It's almost Christmas! With each minute we are all one step closer to the day when we can stop posting lists about things pertaining to the holiday. Seriously, by the second week in December you almost type "Christmas" instead of your own name sometimes, and your brain atrophies whenever Elf comes on the television.
Here we are though with a collection of creepy music videos, featuring impossible story lines, leaps in logic, and utter delicious stupidity that can only come from big-budget Christmas music factories. You know, it takes the magic out the music when you realize most of it was probably recorded the spring or summer before it was released. For the record the only Christmas music I own - or will admit to owning to you all - is the Robert Ellis holiday EP, and Elvis' Christmas Album.
And you're right, the Futureheads, Christmas was better in the '80s...
Godless Max Headroom Celebrates Santa Claus
Max Headroom sort of scared me when I was little because he was all jittery, but it was a healthy fear, like that of fire, poison, or old people. Even the concept of what exactly Max Headroom was proved hard to understand as a child. All I know is that I had a dream that he killed my parents.
David Bowie and Bing Crosby Sing Two Different Songs
This (Seriously this was David Bowie's idea of) video has been lurking on (looking normal for mainstream audiences) Christmas video countdowns forever, and it (going on a Bing Crosby special?) doesn't get any less strange. Fun fact: Bowie is now 13 years younger than Crosby was at the time of this filming. Crosby died a month after recording the special this song was featured on, Bing Crosby's Merrie Olde Christmas, which also featured Crosby and model Twiggy teaming up for "Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas".
Justin Bieber & Mariah Carey Eye Fuck Each Other In The Mall
Did you know that Bieber was eight months old to the day Mariah Carey's Merry Christmas album was released? It doesn't stop her from eyeballing his shit. Nice Nintendo 3DS placement, Beebs. Rascal Flatts Threaten To Be Home For Christmas
You better watch out...
Chris Brown Dances In The Street In Front Of Your House Because You Are A Stuck-Up Bitch
Against court order too.
Baby Jesus Christ, The Studio Must Have Smelled Like AquaNet, Self-Importance, And Farts.
Even in 1984, Bono was all like "So I have the best voice, and I will still be packing stadiums in 30 years, so just like, let me sing all the big parts and you guys just hang. LOL, Boy George."
N Sync Get Hired By Elfin Gary Coleman To Deliver Presents, Curve For Men...
Goggles, baggy sweaters, cargo pants, frosted tips, in-the-closet Lance Bass, those necklaces that looked like anal beads, and Gary Coleman.
Michael Jackson Says Merry Christmas From His Lawyer's Office
Resale Concert Tickets
Well, where else could it have been?
Hall & Oates Host A Holiday Party For Everyone But You
G. E. Smith looks super-comfy in drag, and that's cool. He's come to terms and he's comfortable, free. What I don't get though, is that if you are touring the world in a successful rock duo, like H&O, why would you continue to live together off the road? Are you recording in a house? Is this a contractual deal? And why do you leave so many people outside? Call the cops or something.
Sketchy George Michael Eyes Your Girlfriend, His Ex-Girlfriend, The Whole Time You Guys Are On A Christmas Vacation And You Don't Do Shit.
You would think Andrew Ridgeley would have confronted George Michael's character and faced off on the slopes a la Better Off Dead, but no, he just lets him eye-rape his girl from across couches, rooms, and dinner tables. Maybe it's a power thing like, "You can look but you can't touch, bro."
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Kenny Rogers Takes Off His "Outer" Clothes In Front Of Dolly Parton In A Room Full Of Dead-Eyed Mannequins
It's a lot less sexy than you would imagine, this 1984 Christmas special, Kenny & Dolly: A Christmas to Remember . Kenny only takes off his warmest clothes and Dolly doesn't show any of the goods in this clip. I was hoping for some sweaty gray beard, some blonde titty, maybe some ice cube play, and some soft Red Shoes lighting. A kind of heavy, sex fog, just looking into each other's eyes while they bone. Back to porn I guess... :(
P.S. BUT SERIOUSLY WHY IS THE ROOM FULL OF MANNEQUINS?