Rick Ross

Some advice for plus-size Miami hustler/rapper Rick Ross based on his new album, Trilla: (a) First of all, don't do your shout-out track as an intro. No one cares that you like the city of Chicago. (b) If you're going to have DJ Khaled do an interlude, ask him not to refer to you as the "definition of the projects," because that doesn't make any sense. (c) For God's sake, put Akon on your album. Your flow, while deep and, uh, boss-like, is nonetheless quite monotonous, and your cadence rarely varies. But, as everyone knows, Akon's hooks make everything okay. (d) "Money Make Me Come" is a really disgusting song. (e) "This Me" is actually pretty good. DJ Toomp doesn't seem to be able to do much wrong recently. Good call. (f) If you're going to have Lil Wayne on your album — which is now required by law — don't let him outshine you. It's practically written into his contract that he must suck as a guest rapper, but you're still going to have to come up with better lines than "Need a blow job? My motto: get a model for the job." Real talk.

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Ben Westhoff
Contact: Ben Westhoff