Rock Star Resolutions

Since the Press has already analyzed what went wrong last year (and what didn't?), we shall no longer dwell on the past. Instead, we asked several of 2007's wayward musical newsmakers how they plan to get their acts together in 2008.

Amy Winehouse: "How many of these resolutions do I get?"

Britney Spears: "It's Britney, bitch, and I'm resolving to finally take care of me, y'all. The judge says I need to start worrying about my kids instead, but what the hell does he know? I can't be no good mom if I'm not, like, mentally healthy and all that. Oh yeah, and I'm trying not to get pregnant again."

Meg White: "At the moment, I'm suffering from 'health issues,' which my bandmate and on-again, off-again ex-husband Jack tells me is called 'acute anxiety.' This means I'm susceptible to freaking out whenever my (alleged) sex tapes are exposed to the general public. So this year, my resolution is to not have on-camera sex with someone who looks like they live in a college dorm room."

Tommy Lee: "I resolve to finally build a career that isn't relevant to whichever ex-Playmate I'm banging at the time. That and kicking Kid Rock's ass. Shit, gotta go. Rock is coming."

Winehouse: "Sniff, sniff. Fuck, my nose is bleeding. I'll be right back."

Kid Rock: "For 2008, I resolve to — oh, hold on, I just saw Tommy Lee. Slap fight!"

Pete Doherty: "I resolve to inexplicably live through another year, mate."

Robert Plant: "In 2008, I resolve to make more money off my band's reunion tour than Sting did with the Police last year."

50 Cent: "This year, I resolve to stop makin' stupid-ass comments about Kanye without contemplatin' the consequences. That's why I'm naming my next album Before I Self-Destruct, 'cause I want to check myself before I wreck myself."

Winehouse: "Yeah, must be dry in here. Sniff. Anyways, I've got a wicked resolution for you. No, wait, forgot. Oh yeah...wait. I resolve to finally go to rehab, despite obvious issues with authority that have prevented me from doing so before. If I can only remember..."

KEEP THE HOUSTON PRESS FREE... Since we started the Houston Press, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Houston, and we'd like to keep it that way. With local media under siege, it's more important than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" program, allowing us to keep offering readers access to our incisive coverage of local news, food and culture with no paywalls.
Cole Haddon