Veteran Texas Music Festival Seeks "Next Big Thing"I am a Hill Country Texas music festival who's been around the block a few times. Every New Year's, I start getting excited about one particular band who is going to revitalize rock and roll as we know it and bring it back to the masses, making it a force to be reckoned with once again. I need you to be that band. You are: a new, untested act made up of kids barely old enough to drink who have somehow managed to build a giant wave of hype behind you without necessarily having delivered anything concrete yet. It's perfectly acceptable if your perceived genius doesn't hold up under closer inspection, as long as you're okay with the fleeting nature of your golden-boy (or girl) status. I'll be blunt: no one is going to remember who you are by April Fool's Day, so have some merch to sell at your show. You may not get a second chance. Please get in touch with me before spring break! Soundtrack for Upcoming Godawful Vampire Sequel Seeks Talented Bands to Taint I've seen you guys all over the Internet and all over my favorite talk shows, and I'll be honest: I will not be satisfied until I've injected my poison into you. Allow me to introduce myself: I am the soundtrack to an upcoming vampire-centered movie (third in a series of four, if you can believe it!) and I need all of you hip, cutting-edge bands to get with me so that lonely, defeated people with extremely low standards for fiction and film will at the very least have good music to jam to while they obsessively relive their terrible favorite scenes of asinine sparkliness. Frankly, taking you out of your comfortable niche and overexposing the living shit out of you gets me hard as a fucking rock. Don't think of it as selling out; think of it as trading your artistry and integrity for a whole lot of fast, easy money and superficial fans who will forget about you long before your next album comes out. All I need is one of your throwaway b-sides! Please respond soon, they're slapping together this film as quick-and-dirty as possible, and once we've had a quick cash-in, we're gone, baby!