Now that the Iowa Caucus has narrowed down the field a bit, we would like to take this opportunity to offer some advice to the remaining candidates for the Republican nomination to vie with president Obama in the November election. What you guys need is some catchy theme songs, and we have some suggestions for tunes to really get the ball rolling. No, no, don't thank us, we're just here to help.

Governor, you embody everything that conservative America believes. You're all about traditional values, and because of that we'd like to pitch to you Richard O'Brien's ode to all the things you love, "Thank God I'm a Man" from 1981's Shock Treatment as your motif. We're only sorry that we couldn't find a clip where Janet's mother warns Janet that she shouldn't have brought up Mexicans as her father doesn't like Mexicans, a pronouncement that brings raucous cheers from the studio audience.

Senator, you seem to have made birth control an issue again, specifically allowing states to outlaw it. Now, we aren't really in favor of an idea like that because as a charming and devilishly handsome writer/musician/astronaut we do loads of boning and simply do not have the time to be a father and a jet-setting artist to more than one little girl. Still, you've made your stand and we respect that, and you should embrace it. We think using the Kelly Osbourne song about teenage pregnancy would give you that modern feel you're looking for.