Now that the Iowa Caucus has narrowed down the field a bit, we would like to take this opportunity to offer some advice to the remaining candidates for the Republican nomination to vie with president Obama in the November election. What you guys need is some catchy theme songs, and we have some suggestions for tunes to really get the ball rolling. No, no, don't thank us, we're just here to help.

Governor, you embody everything that conservative America believes. You're all about traditional values, and because of that we'd like to pitch to you Richard O'Brien's ode to all the things you love, "Thank God I'm a Man" from 1981's Shock Treatment as your motif. We're only sorry that we couldn't find a clip where Janet's mother warns Janet that she shouldn't have brought up Mexicans as her father doesn't like Mexicans, a pronouncement that brings raucous cheers from the studio audience.

Senator, you seem to have made birth control an issue again, specifically allowing states to outlaw it. Now, we aren't really in favor of an idea like that because as a charming and devilishly handsome writer/musician/astronaut we do loads of boning and simply do not have the time to be a father and a jet-setting artist to more than one little girl. Still, you've made your stand and we respect that, and you should embrace it. We think using the Kelly Osbourne song about teenage pregnancy would give you that modern feel you're looking for.

Governor, we know that some view your Mormon faith as something that would keep you from getting elected, but let us assure you that America is a land always open to embracing people who adhere to faiths that the majority find kooky. This is a perfect opportunity for you not only to connect with the youth vote through the medium of rap, but to simultaneously enlighten and lighten up about the religion. We look forward to you going all Bullworth up in this bitch.

Mr. Representative, you have an ally in Rush's Neil Peart. Both of you greatly admire the writings of Ayn Rand, though whether he's doing the Fountainhead better justice by being a successful artist or you're doing Atlas Shrugged better justice by working within the system we're not sure. By the way, you're idealization of Atlas Shrugged has earned you the nickname Shruggles in our house!

Jon, we want to let you know that even though we lean further to the left than Michael Jackson in the "Smooth Criminal" video, we like you a lot. You, sir, have class, something that's too often absent. It was the Wife With One F who first started the idea for this article by wandering around singing "Huntsman, Hunt... Hunt... Hunt, Huntsman, GOP Calling." We can't think of anything better for you sir. Let's get those fists in the air and the feet on the dance floor.

• Pop Life