Houston Music

Rocks Off's Handy Summerfest Survival Guide

There's a slim chance you may have already heard that our distinguished competition, Free Press Houston, is throwing a little shindig this weekend, which they have for some reason chosen to call Summerfest. We understand it's some kind of outdoor festival and a couple of bands from out of town are going to play. Good for them!

Rocks Off thought we'd help out by offering some tips which we have learned the hard way through many, many years of attendance at outdoor festivals in and around the Houston area.

  • SummerFest is sponsored by IKEA, so you will have to assemble your own seating.
  • If you see the Free Press' Omar Afra, do not approach, talk to, look at or make eye contact with him. He hates that.
  • Do not accept any drugs from Flaming Lips front man Wayne Coyne, even if he should offer you some and no matter how awesome he says they are. That dude in the bunny suit who's always at Lips gigs? Yeah, it's always somebody different, and they never know where they are or what they're doing, and underneath that friendly bunny grin, they are confused and terrified.

  • Leading nutritionists will tell you that although an ice-cold beer may seem refreshing while you're drinking it, the alcohol content will actually lead to faster dehydration and overheating. This is because leading nutritionists are pussies.
  • Slim Thug is not all that slim, and Fat Tony is not at all fat. Please don't mention it to them; they're aware.
  • Just because Red Bull is one of the sponsors doesn't mean you have to slam Jaeger Bombs all day. Settle down there, broham.
  • Since the festival is taking place at Eleanor Tinsley Park, which is essentially right in the middle of Buffalo Bayou, shotguns with beanbag rounds are not only permitted, but encouraged. It is simply the only way to deal with the mosquitoes.
  • Go over and watch the 29-95.com stage for a little while. They get so lonely.
  • Air guitar is punishable by a $500 fine. Yelling out "Freebird!" is grounds for immediate mob justice. Ever been stoned to death by thousands of half-empty Bud Light cans? Don't think it's possible? Just try it, wiseass.
  • Offset the effects of the harsh Houston sun by standing in the shadow of a larger friend.
  • There's this guy on Twitter who's been stalking Buxton. If you're watching their set and you see a bespectacled guy muttering the same three numbers under his breath over and over while sharpening some kind of improvised shiv, it would probably be a good idea to go ahead and call security.
  • If you're tired of paying $3 per water bottle, it might work to drop some of those potable-water tablets into the bayou. (Remember: we only said it might work.)
  • Go ahead and roll around in the mud all you want. There's very little poop in it.
  • If it rains, do not tilt your head up and drink the Houston rainwater. Nor should you get it in your eyes or sinuses. It's also a bad idea to let it sit on your skin for more than an hour.
  • Although 30FootFall and the Hates will both be there, their famous, explosive, years-long feud has been put to rest. Showing up in your old early-'90s rumble clothes with knives and chains, then, will be considered very bad form. Those days are gone, my friend. It is time to let go.
  • Anyone more than ten pounds overweight will not be allowed in or near the Urban Outfitters booth.
  • Cash, checks and credit cards will NOT be accepted anywhere on the grounds. Please bring as many cashier's checks as you think you will need.
Just kidding. Mostly. Get the lowdown on Summerfest at freepresssummerfest.com.

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John Seaborn Gray