You wouldn't know it from walking around outdoors, but fall is just around the corner, and in Texas that means two things: We no longer have to consume our body weight in water for shows at the Pavilion, and it's almost time for college football.
Andy Staples at CNN/SI, obviously bored with doing the same old preseason ranking, attempted to find some musical equivalents to his Top 25 teams. Rocks Off admires Staples' chutzpah, but his list is astounding: No. 3 Oregon is the Ramones? No. 6 Texas A&M is the Strokes? (Quick: Find 12 Aggies who have heard Room on Fire.) No. 17 Missouri is Van fucking Halen?
A noble, if musguided, effort. Rather than attempt a similar exercise, Rocks Off decided to take 10 Texas football programs and find the song best suited to their personality for the coming season. Remember kids, it's all in good fun.
Rollins Band, "Low Self Opinion": Poor Tech. Of late, under coach Mike Leach, the program has enjoyed some of its greatest success, including a stunning 2008 upset of UT. Unfortunately, it's still on the outside looking in to the venerable rivalry between Texas and Texas A&M.
Frank Sinatra, "High Hopes": While we keep hearing about how this is the Coogs' year, their 2010 season was derailed by QB Case Keenum's injuries. If ever there was a time for UH to step up and play the role of BCS-buster, it's now.
Eli Young Band, "Enough Is Enough": Rocks Off had the privilege of attending the University of Texas during David McWilliams' tenure as Longhorn coach, also known as the "Peter Gardere era." Having endured humiliations galore during the late '80s and early '90s (66-3?), we won't deny a great deal of satisfaction with Mack Brown's successes. But their own TV network? Give us a break.
Whitney Houston, "Didn't We Almost Have It All?": Perennial SWC powerhouse Southern Methodist is still the only football program to be hit with the NCAA's "death penalty." Since 1989, the Mustangs have been a shadow of their former selves. Not that anyone outside of Dallas is shedding any tears for them.
Overkill, "Fuck You": Dedicated to the BCS. With their move to the Big East in 2012, the Horned Frogs might finally get a shot at a national championship.
Ethel Merman & Ray Middleton, "Anything You Can Do": We like the Aggies. Really. It's hard not to admire a population whose entire existence is defined by their obsession with a rival school. A&M has had its periods of dominance (the late 1980s, for one), and this season they're looking to challenge Oklahoma for the Big 12 title, but UT's preeminence nationally will always drive them nuts.
Devo, "Workin' In a Coal Mine": They're the "Miners," right? Yeah, we got nothin'.
Slayer, "Seasons in the Abyss": Not only does this song represent the Bears' perpetual ranking in the bottom tier of the Big 12 South, but we like the juxtaposition of Baylor's - shall we say - pious rep with the Kings of Satanic Thrash.
N.E.R.D., "Spaz": Get it? Because Rice are a bunch of geeks? Oh fuck off, this is hard.
If you like this story, consider signing up for our email newsletters.
SHOW ME HOW
You have successfully signed up for your selected newsletter(s) - please keep an eye on your mailbox, we're movin' in!
The Who, "Who Are You?": Seriously, we don't even know why we put them on the list.