Ryan Seacrest Begets a Music Festival... And The Apocalypse

Mason Lankford said, "There will come a day when we forget the Rapture ever even happened," but Rocks Off is keeping an eye out for signs of our impending Armageddon. We were wrong last time, but we're totally right this time!

Ryan Seacrest is a towering figure in the entertainment world. Master of all he surveys, he can be legitimately credited with bringing music into millions of people's lives or destroying the music industry entirely, depending on your exact definition of music. Now the mini-maestro has branched into the fiefdoms ruled by SXSW, Coachella and Houston's own Free Press Summer Fest by creating a music festival.

This fall, in no less a city than Las Vegas, Seacrest will host the inaugural iHeart Radio Music Festival with the full backing of radio giant Clear Channel. Lady Gaga, Bruno Mars, Rascal Flatts, and Nicki Minaj are already among the confirmed acts that will appear at the late September gathering. He will of course be joined by Jennifer Lopez and Steven Tyler to fulfill the American Idol rule of three.

How wonderful! Yet another great gathering of gifted geniuses to enlighten and entertain the populace with the magic of music. It's too bad that the festival spells the E-N-D of the W-O-R-L-D!


As always, the answer lies in the Book of Revelation.

For God hath put in their hearts to fulfil his will, and to agree, and give their kingdom unto the beast, until the words of God shall be fulfilled.
- Rev. 17:17

He may have tried to slip it past the common folk with throwing the word "radio" into the title of the festival, but you'd have to be crazy to miss the connection between "iHeart" and the heart mentioned in this passage. Clearly, the Lord is intending to use the performers, possibly even the Seacrest itself, to gather those who will fall in the Dagor Dagorath.*

The question is what role will the audience who attends the festival play? Will it be a massing of the righteous and just, leaving the empty towns and villages filled with nothing but the damned to be pick off by Satan like he was choosing jellybeans? Or will the festival itself mark the mustering of those who will be consumed by the Beast?

You know, Randall Flagg set up home base in Vegas in Stephen King's The Stand... Just saying. In the end, it must all come down to whether or nor we can trust Ryan Seacrest to be an agent of angels, or the butt-boy of Beelzebub.

Yeah, we're totally copulated. On the other hand, hey, Lady Gaga show.

Blessed is he that readeth, and they that hear the words of this prophecy, and keep those things which are written therein: for the time is at hand.
- Rev. 1:3

*The final battle between good and evil, for those heretics who don't treat J.R.R. Tolkien's The Silmarillion as the New New Testament.

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Jef Rouner (not cis, he/him) is a contributing writer who covers politics, pop culture, social justice, video games, and online behavior. He is often a professional annoyance to the ignorant and hurtful.
Contact: Jef Rouner