Scott Stapp + The Astros = Evacuation-Level Suck

Ed. Note: Unlike the Astros' season (darnit), Stapp's concert appears to have been canceled.

A few weeks ago, Rocks Off wondered if the real reason our hometown baseball club is having such a woeful season is because the music most of the players use to pump themselves up as they're walking to the plate is absolutely atrocious.

Since then, the Astros have done nothing to make us change our minds. No, they've actually gotten worse. After Wednesday's loss to the Pirates - let us repeat that: The Pirates - they are 25 up and 44 down, 14 games behind the division-leading Brewers, losers of eight out of their last ten and owners of the worst record in Major League Baseball. Can't anybody here play this game?

So what are they doing about it? Besides firing their pitching coach, the 'Stros have evidently decided a grunting, preening, self-conscious '90s rock star might be able to give the team a little inspiration. Wednesday, the Astros announced Creed front man and sometime solo artist Scott Stapp will perform a concert following next Saturday's home game against an actual baseball team, the Tampa Bay Rays.

As even Stapp himself might say, God almighty.

Baseball Nation has the right idea, declaring this dubious alliance a disaster of cataclysmic proportions. Federal agencies will provide relief to those unable to leave the area, but they will certainly be overtaxed," the Web site wrote earlier today.

They even helpfully made a map of the different "suck zones," which Rocks Off will share with you now due to our abiding (if foolhardy) concern for humanity:

Baseball Nation explains its different zones of suckage like this:

A. Greatest potential of suck: This area must be evacuated. Failure to evacuate may lead to listening to Scott Stapp sing Creed songs after watching the Astros play baseball. This level of exposure usually proves lethal.

B. Significant potential of suck: Persons who do not evacuate this area could potentially find themselves in a bar showing the Astros game on TV with the sound down, while Creed's "Higher" plays on the jukebox. This combination often is lethal.

C. Fair potential of suck: Persons who do not evacuate this area run the risk of hearing a passerby hum "With Arms Wide Open" at the same time another person is discussing Carlos Lee's defense. Such a combination can be extremely harmful.

D. Most likely safe from suck: This area is likely to be a safe zone. Discussions of Hunter Pence are usually accompanied by John Coltrane, The Clash, or other music that has no relation to Creed or Scott Stapp.

We're not sure about the whole Pence/Clash thing - last we heard, he was into freakin' Slipknot - but please take all necessary precautions. At this point Rocks Off just wishes a giant sinkhole would open on the northeastern side of downtown, except that we're going to need Minute Maid Park for Taylor Swift in November - and, hopefully, Paul McCartney.

Follow Rocks Off on Facebook and on Twitter at @HPRocksOff.

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Chris Gray has been Music Editor for the Houston Press since 2008. He is the proud father of a Beatles-loving toddler named Oliver.
Contact: Chris Gray