WTF Island

Self-Admitted Wanker John Mayer Is Far From Alone at the Musical Spank Bank

Guess what you're missing if you haven't picked up the latest copy of Rolling Stone? Go on, guess. All right, we'll tell you: according to their website, you're missing the lowdown on John Mayer's "journey from bedroom guitar player to the most angst-ridden playboy in rock." They've quarantined the Rocks Off wing of Houston Press HQ because all morning we've been making sport of reading that sentence out loud and throwing up on each other.

Admit it, you can feel the bile tickling the back of your own tonsils right now. What makes John Mayer such a sad sack, you ask? Is it drug addiction? Family problems? The death of a loved one? Oh no. It seems our plucky, hapless pop star underdog is addicted to jerking off. This comes as no surprise to anyone who has ever heard one of his aimless, noodling guitar solos, but evidently Mayer is "the new generation of masturbator."

He goes on to say, "I've seen it all. Before I make coffee, I've seen more butt holes than a proctologist does in a week... I have masturbated myself out of serious problems in my life. The phone doesn't pick up because I'm masturbating." Between this and being unable to get over breaking up with Jennifer Aniston, we've got to ask: when is someone finally going to cut this dude a break?

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John Seaborn Gray