Recently my Twitter buddy John Seaborn Gray wrote a blog for Rocks Off in which he gave the world five simple suggestions for how to use Internet jukeboxes more effectively. He makes a lot of good points and if you're good people you'll read it, digest it and put his rules in to practice.
I am not good people and I'm betting not all of you are either.
John was right: Internet jukeboxes are in fact proof that democracy doesn't work. But while John wants to build a more perfect union, I'm here to help you destroy the system.
The Internet jukebox is a bomb, and my $1 is the match that lights the fuse.
Even if all 4,656 of Rocks Off's Twitter followers took John's advice to heart, that still leaves us with roughly 2,145,000 people in the city who most likely won't be playing by the rules and will be clogging the air with their bad taste.
How can anyone tell me that I'm supposed to worry about making sure all of them have a good night out when they won't be extending the same courtesy my way?
Ever since Internet jukeboxes started popping up in local bars and bowling alleys I've made it my mission to find the best songs to play to ruin the nights of the nameless strangers that end up in the same location as me. Grab your quarters, flatten out your dollars, and get ready to let chaos reign with these five tracks sure to kill a good night in its tracks.
5. Kim Kardashian, "Jam (Turn It Up)"
Most people use "worst song ever" lists to complain about the bands they hate even though their songs are incredibly popular. While popularity doesn't equal talent the fact remains that taste is subjective and just because I hate fun. doesn't mean they're a bad band.
That's a fancy way of saying that "Jam" is my least favorite song ever and I don't think there are a lot of people lining up to tell me I'm wrong. It's the type of song that makes Don Johnson's "Heartbeat" look like fine art.
If you put this song on and people don't get mad evacuate the bar immediately. You've ended up in a bar with people lacking soul and no one wants to be anywhere like that.
Similar Choices: Paris Hilton put out an album once. A lot of the songs were terrible.
4. Filter, "Miss Blue"
Although I'm a fan of Title of Record, I acknowledge that a lot of people out there think Filter are pretty awful. This song won't change their mind; at 5:36 it's a song that goes on a bit too long with Richard Patrick feeling sorry for himself.
What makes it shine as a jukebox bomb is the fact that although the song ends at 5:36 the track actually lasts 19:49. Once that song ends you get 13 minutes of sweet silence where no one gets to hear the song they want. No radio hits, no ironic choices, just 13 minutes of people murmuring about why there isn't any music.
As a bonus you get a minute of studio chatter and out of context screaming at the very end of the track to remind people that sometimes they'd rather have the silence.
Similar Choices: "Mx" by Deftones has a pretty long gap before "Damone" starts.
3. Lou Reed & Metallica, "Junior Dad"
Strike One: The song is almost 20 minutes long. That's roughly forever in bar time.
Strike Two: The music is slow and Reed's spoken word bits sound like something off of NPR. The end result is that it makes the song feel even longer than it already is.
Strike Three: The back half of the song is wordless, the drums go away, and it becomes one long soundscape that doesn't go anywhere.
This is something that's a chore to listen to at home and becomes close to torture when you're supposed to be out having a few drinks. You'll definitely get your money's worth on this one, but you might want to leave the bar before it comes on.
Similar Choices: Any really long prog-rock song would probably fit but "Atom Heart Mother" might be your best bet.
2. Coil, "Tainted Love"
Most people only know this Gloria Jones song from Soft Cell's new wave take on it from the early '80s. Both of those songs are great for a night out which is why you should never play them. You can skip the Marilyn Manson cover of it too.
Coil did something interesting with the song. In their hands they took it from a bouncy look at heartbreak in to a meditation on life with AIDS. It's dark and depressing and the perfect thing to help ruin a good night.
Even if people don't catch on to what song is trying to say the dour feeling of the instrumentation is enough to make them feel bad. If they happen to figure out the subtext... well, that's just a bonus.
Similar Choices: Most Coil songs are a recipe for a bad night, but don't be afraid to branch out in to the Merbows and Sunn O)))s of the world.
1. The Sherman Brothers, "It's A Small World"
I've never met anyone over the age of five who likes this song. That fact alone isn't too weird but what is strange is the amount of rage it seems to foster in adults.
I've known people who have refused to take their kids on the ride because they refuse to spend another second of their life listening to the song. The mere use of the phrase "it's a small world" in casual conversation causes them to shudder and have their eyes grow dark. It's like they suffer Disney induced PTSD.
It's the tapeworm of earworms.
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For $5 you can create a little bit of hell on Earth by punching up this song as many times as possible. Jesus wept; you will too.
Similar Choices: There is nothing as evil as "It's a Small World" but The Carpenters "Close To You" is pretty damn close.