Just in case you're one of the very few people who hasn't yet been seized by government shock troops and forced to marry someone of the same sex, a California Supreme Court judge ruled Proposition 8 unconstitutional Wednesday. This would be the proposition which officially defines marriage as only between a man and a woman, because if our forefathers hadn't meant for us to combine religious sentiments with legal policies, they definitely would have put something in the Constitution about it.
Despite the fact that Texas voted for Prop 8 by an 83 percent margin, it's only a matter of time before this craziness reaches the Lone Star State, and all of our God-sanctioned heterosexual marriages become tainted by... who knows, magic or something. And it's not just our marriages. No, the marriages of some of our most treasured musical icons will be sullied by this travesty. Examples, you ask? Why, of course.
For your convenience, all marriages will be rated on a Holiness scale of one to ten, with one being "Godless homosexual abomination" and ten being "None more blessed," like if that nice Pope fella finally decided to settle down and get hitched.
We'd like to start off by declaring this paragraph a "No 'George from Seinfeld' Jokes" Zone. Now that that's out of the way, the marriage: Britney married Alexander, a childhood friend, on January 3, 2004, in Las Vegas. 55 hours later, that marriage was annulled, since Britney had "lacked understanding of her actions."
That's diplomatic parlance for "She was all fucked up."
Holiness of This Matrimony: 6. Britney's a good old-fashioned Southern girl, and the practice of getting married in Vegas while under the influence only to have it annulled mere hours later is a long-standing tradition among Christians.
He was a reluctant grunge messiah who wrote songs about depression and heroin; she was an unstable harpy who constantly looked like she'd just been peeled off the floor of a subway men's room. Truly a match made in Heaven. Oh, by the way, rumors persist that she might have shot smack while pregnant with Kurt's kid. Just throwing that out there.
Holiness of This Matrimony: 9. A lowly drug-addicted stripper from California meets and marries the Jesus of alternative rock? It's like something out of the New Testament!
Axl, the true romantic, couldn't live without Everly. In fact, he told her as much, threatening to blow his brains out of she didn't marry him. Their marriage was annulled a year after they got hitched, but Axl and Erin would reunite later on, when she was called in to testify against him on counts of domestic abuse by Axl's subsequent girlfriend, Stephanie Seymour.
Holiness of This Matrimony: 7. Sometimes a gal needs a little extra motivation to take that walk down the aisle. If that motivation comes in the form of threats of suicide and a stiff beating, it's still pretty scripturally sound.
The year is 2002. Charming, friendly McCartney rebounds after wife Linda's tragic death and marries a pretty young handicapped model. Six years later, she hauled him into court and tried to take away most of his money by way of divorce; McCartney succeeded in keeping her mitts off of most of what she asked for. Mills, however, did get to enjoy the satisfaction of dumping a jug of water over McCartney's lawyer's head while screeching "You're a bitch! You're a traitor to your sex! How could you do this to another woman?"
Holiness of This Matrimony: 8. John was the one who said all that stuff about "bigger than Jesus," and besides, the Lord has a real soft spot for "Yesterday."
Well-hung Motley Crue drummer Lee and Baywatch babe Anderson got married after knowing each other for barely a week, filmed a pornographic honeymoon tape that got released as actual porn, nearly split up multiple times before Anderson had him arrested for domestic abuse, and finally called it quits after she found out he'd given her Hepatitis C. Nothing says "pack your shit" like a positive Hep C test.
Holiness of This Matrimony: 6. He's got a penis and she's got a vagina. There's proof.
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Boyd, a London model, had stolen the hearts of many English rock stars (Mick Jagger and Ron Wood among them), and towards the end of her increasingly contentious marriage to Harrison, occasionally took continents-spanning vacations with a few of them. Eric Clapton was in love with her the entire time and finally bagged her, but that marriage eventually fell apart, too. Yes, "Layla" is about her.
Holiness of This Matrimony: 5. An awful lot of adultery going on... still, at least it's not gay adultery.
7. Jim Morrison and Pamela Coulson