Shake the Disease: Ailments We'd Like to See These Performers Contract

Most of us have heard by now that Marilyn Manson has contracted the swine flu. What we didn't know was that so has the guy who plays Ron in the Harry Potter movies, and one of the guys from the Streets. Evidently, they're all going to be fine, but it made us wonder: what diseases - or disorders, we're not picky - would we like to see inflict themselves upon certain famous performers? Stock up on Vitamin C and keep reading...

Performer: Eminem

Disease: Elephantiasis

As anyone who has heard Eminem's newer albums can attest, the influential rapper seems scarcely a shadow of his former self. His confidence seems like it's dissipated, and the poor man is directionless. What better way for him to put the cojones back in his music than for his actual testicles to grow to gigantic proportions? We feel that once Slim Shady must use a wheelbarrow to tote around his enormous man-purse to keep from jettisoning spinal discs like old hubcaps, the fire and passion will slip back into his music.

Performer: Morrissey

Disease: Congenital insensitivity to pain and Antisocial Personality Disorder

If his lyrics are to be believed, life has been very, very difficult for Morrissey. Absolutely everything seems to hurt the poor guy. Well, if we had our way, Morrissey would never have to feel pain again, mentally or physically. Imagine the notoriously sentimental moper writing songs about what it's like to suddenly be completely unaffected by absolutely everything, just waking up one morning and not giving even a fraction of a shit. We bet he'd still find a way to be depressed about it.

Performer: Neko Case

Disease: Pica

Seriously, sweetie, just eat something. Anything.

Performer: Kanye West

Disease: Tetanus

A disease of the skeletal fiber which causes muscle spasms and paralysis, tetanus is also called "lockjaw." We think you can see where we're going with this. If anyone could use some time to just shut the fuck up for a while and reflect, it's Kanye. But the real question isn't "Does Kanye really deserve lockjaw?", it's "Would it even stop him?" We just remembered this is the guy who recorded his hit debut single with his freaking jaw wired shut. Jesus, Kanye.

Performer: Jaz Coleman of Killing Joke

Disease: Capgras syndrome

Those who suffer from Capgras syndrome believe a friend, family member or loved one has been replaced by an identical impostor. Considering he once moved to Iceland to avoid the end of the world and believes H.P. Lovecraft's writings are non-fiction, we don't think it's inappropriate to suggest that Jaz may be on the paranoid side. To then compound the existing paranoia with this disorder... we're sorry, we just think it would be hilarious.

Performer: Troy Sanders of Mastodon

Disease: Pavor Nocturnus (Night Terrors)

Because he'd like it, and we like him.

KEEP THE HOUSTON PRESS FREE... Since we started the Houston Press, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Houston, and we'd like to keep it that way. With local media under siege, it's more important than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" program, allowing us to keep offering readers access to our incisive coverage of local news, food and culture with no paywalls.
John Seaborn Gray