Today came word that Jack White and wife Karen Elson are splitting in grand style, with a celebratory party in their hometown of Nashville this evening. Together, the two struck a sultry pose, the brooding, multifaceted rocker and his redheaded model wife. They have two kids together, ages five and three.
In a statement, White and Elson said: "We remain dear and trusted friends and co-parents to our wonderful children Scarlett and Henry Lee. We feel so fortunate for the time we have shared and the time we will continue to spend both separately and together watching our children grow."
Pretty classy stuff, we must declare. Hopefully it won't get too ugly as the weeks and months go by. No doubt the sharks in Nashville are already sharpening their knives to get at the two now-eligible people. Both are extremely attractive human beings and shouldn't be single for long.
That's where Rocks Off comes in, to play matchmaker for Jack, one of our favorite modern rockers. We've followed his career for over a decade, through the White Stripes, the Raconteurs and the Dead Weather. We've bought plenty of product from his Third Man label too. Now it's time to help Jack find the next Mrs. White.
Jack loves very percussive women, and Ke$ha plays drums for the better half of her gigs, plus you just know that Jack would look killer covered in glitter and vodka.
Finally, we can hear Gaga's belting melded with Jack's large-scale blues-metal. We can't think of a couple that would sexually confuse us more. We mean, sexually excite us. We mean, have you guys been watching the NBA Finals? Those cheerleaders are so hot. Beer. Tits.
Rihanna pulls Jack into an island mood, mixing his Detroit sound with calypso and dance-pop. The wonders he could do with her voice, plus he probably uses really cool antique chains and whips, all the better to excite Ri-Ri.
Kat Von D
What? If very other mysterious rock-type dude gets to, why can't Jack? We bet she would put a sweet Leadbelly tattoo back-piece on him.
OK, this is one of the most artistically pleasing ones we have thought of, and not because we almost hyperventilated taking pictures of Potter in the photo pit in Alabama last month. Those Nocturnals of Potter's are cool and all, but let's hear Jack take them lo-fi.
Imagine all the beautiful, tall musical magic they could make together, plus since they both live in Nashville, Jack won't have to drive too far to her apartment.
Maybe it's an older woman that Jack craves. A witchy and spooky older woman who could match him in guitar strength.
Dita Von Teese
If you think about it, the pinup model is basically a female version of Jack who wears pasties and garters, and is deeply rooted in the Roaring '20s. And the collaborations would be amazing, with Jack writing music for her burlesque shows. Their babies would probably look like Powder, though.
At least she wouldn't be making albums with Pete Yorn anymore, and let's face it, Jack is a superhero anyhow, and Scarlett is fond of those type of guys.
At least he wouldn't have to wonder where his chick was when he was on tour, and during their live shows with the Dead Weather, they were basically having sex onstage anyway. Get a room, you two!
Keep the Houston Press Free... Since we started the Houston Press, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Houston, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Houston with no paywalls.