In a few weeks, Rocks Off loses another friend to marriage when one of our best friends from high school gets hitched at a church in Sugar Land. Quite honestly, out of all of our best friends, the smart money was on Rocks Off to get married first while Brett was going to linger on as a swinging bachelor roaming from honky-tonk to honky-tonk chatting up girls in pearl-snap shirts while he nursed a Coors Light. When we all heard about a year back that Brett had popped the question to Samantha while on a brisk carriage ride near Rice Village, Rocks Off was proud of him for taking that leap, even if he outwardly expressed displeasure that there would be one less drunken wingman next to him at the bar. But we are all on the long slippery slope to 30 and this is going start happening a lot more.[Ed. Note: Not necessarily.]
The only thing we can hope for is that we pick a good woman who will put up with bold homoeroticism and the occasional 3 a.m. field trip to the adult book store.
This weekend Rocks Off and his friend Jeremy have planned a bachelor party for Brett that will include dinner, a trip to House of Blues to see a Led Zeppelin tribute band and about three gallons of bourbon spread throughout the night. As of now, those are the only plans we have on the table. Bail money and adrenaline shots have already been acquired and luckily, Rocks Off has his own last name tattooed on his arm in the event he gets left for dead in the back room of a Telephone Road pool hall and the cops can't find his wallet because his new Russian bride stole it earlier in the night. All bachelor parties need a soundtrack, just as all bachelor parties will include teary-eyed real bro talk. Rocks Off has already started burning a few discs for the evening. Here are a few standards that have already made the cut. Mainly these are songs that Brett would want to hear on his last night of freedom. If it was Rocks Off's bachelor party we would just listen to
all night and wonder why the cops in Tijuana are such assholes. But what do you expect from a bunch of quasi-rednecks from Pearland?Motley Crue, "Girls Girls Girls"
We know full well that Brett will miss going out with us every now and then, doing shots with bachelorette parties and shooting pellet guns at each other in our Underoos.N.W.A., "Straight Outta Compton"
Rocks Off imagines this song playing when the bachelor party walks into a bar on Saturday night. But chances are we will just turn it down at a red light so people don't look at the crackers jamming to '80s gangsta rap.Warren G. "Regulate"
For a white guy, Brett sure did know every line of this really well. Maybe it's the white-boy Afro he rocked in 2004.AC/DC, "Let There Be Rock"
We hope that the priest who officiates the wedding is as cool as Bon Scott.Led Zeppelin, "Whole Lotta Love"
It's going to take a whole lot of love for Samantha to put up with Brett's shit for the rest of eternity. Seriously, the dude's favorite movie isSurf Ninjas
.Bob Seger & the Silver Bullet Band, "Her Strut"
If we do make it to a strip club, Rocks Off wants Brett to get a lap dance while this song plays so we can take pictures covertly with our cell-phone camera to blackmail him with at a later date.The Eagles, "Desperado"
Rocks Off remembers once seeing Brett hearing this song and staring into the distance, softly singing it under his breath. It was like watching a baby deer playing in the snow.Berlin, "Sex (I'm A)"
Brett may be a country guy at heart, but we once saw him get down to this song at a party at his apartment back in the day. Who was he dancing with? Probably Rocks Off.Rancid, "Who Would've Thought"
Rocks Off digs Samantha and hopes that she makes Brett happy forever and ever. Hopefully she won't mind us puking in their kids' pool in ten years.
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Because we all know that when that ring hits his finger, it's all over. For us at least.