Lists

Songs That Might, Or Might Not, Inspire the Texans to Next Year's Super Bowl

Now that the streets of New Orleans are running muddy brown and gold with the vomit and urine of 100,000 Saints fans, it's more obvious than ever that we really dodged a bullet when the Vikings lost the NFC Championship Game.

Rocks Off knew Prince was a Vikes fan. What we didn't realize was how off the rails the Purple One had gone. Seriously, that's some Under the Cherry Moon shit right there. And being subjected to it for two straight weeks might have forced the government to carpet bomb Minneapolis for its own good.

But at least Minnesota came close. Houston's current NFL team has yet to even make the playoffs, which - as it turns out - is probably just as well, for it would be a shame if the Texans went into the postseason without addressing their own theme-song issues.

Now, we know what you're going to say: "Hey man, the Texans already have a theme song." Fair point, and we'd be remiss if we didn't acknowledge the official Texans theme song, Clay Walker's "Football Time in Houston":

Thing is, Walker must be the only person who doesn't want to shove knitting needles in his ears when he hears Hank Jr.'s Monday Night Football theme, because that's exactly what this sounds like. Nothing against the guy, but maybe we should check out some other local artists for inspiration.

Destiny's Child, "Bootylicious"

Hear us out; remember the scene in Glee where football team distracts the other team with a dance routine set to "Single Ladies?" The Texans could totally pull the same trick, provided the NFL changes the rules regarding illegal formations and delay of game.

Hey, it can't be worse than letting Kris Brown bork another field goal.

ZZ Top, "Under Pressure"

How this wasn't David Carr's bumper music the whole time he played in Houston, we'll never know.

Lyle Lovett, "That's Right, You're Not From Texas"

The great thing about this one is you wouldn't even have to change the words around when the Cowboys come to town.

Slim Thug, "Welcome 2 Houston"

Face it, nobody really feels all that intimidated by AC/DC or Disturbed anymore. How can you, when you hear the same song in every stadium at every game? "W2H," on the other hand, has the benefit of being wholly local and not entirely friendly. Unlike, say...

Mack Hayes, "Luv Ya Blue"

Sorry, but we don't think any amount of "chopping and screwing" would make the old Oilers theme song palatable to modern audiences. Better to leave it in the Bum Phillips era.

KEEP THE HOUSTON PRESS FREE... Since we started the Houston Press, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Houston, and we'd like to keep it that way. With local media under siege, it's more important than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" program, allowing us to keep offering readers access to our incisive coverage of local news, food and culture with no paywalls.
Peter Vonder Haar writes movie reviews for the Houston Press and the occasional book. The first three novels in the "Clarke & Clarke Mysteries" - Lucky Town, Point Blank, and Empty Sky - are out now.
Contact: Pete Vonder Haar