Hey New Orleans, how's it going? Big game coming up this weekend, huh? Yeah. Look, Rocks Off is happy for you guys and all - you're one of our favorite cities, really - but we need to talk. Are you sitting down? Good, good. Now believe us, we didn't want to be ones to tell you this, but... you're going to lose. We know the spread's only five points, and the Saints' offense is capable of putting up 20 TDs a game, and a Super Bowl win would be a great post-Katrina boon to the city, but it's just not going to happen. Peyton Manning isn't a human being, he's a Terminator. Granted, he's one of the older T-101 models, but he's still a remorseless clock-killing machine, and he doesn't have the tendency to throw ill-advised picks in the closing minutes a la Brett Favre. We want you to win as much as anybody, but allow us to paraphrase Tom Cruise fromA Few Good Men
: You're going to lose, and you're going to lose huge.
That's the bad news. The good news is, there's a wealth of music related to your fine city that should provide comfort and solace as you drown your Super Bowl sorrows in a never-ending sea ofHand Grenades
. Here's a sample.
So what if your feel-good Katrina recovery story didn't happen? Sean Payton's a solid coach and Brees and most of your starters will be back. At least you guys got a taste, unlike Houston's NFL fans. And you know, Port-au-Prince doesn't evenhave
a football team.
What's that? Manning lit you up for 330 yards and two touchdowns? What's the big deal? Don't you remember that time we beat the bloody British? Try to keep things in perspective.
"Basin Street Blues"
One of the best ways to forget the heartbreak of a Super Bowl loss is in the arms of a loved one. If you don't happen to have a loved one handy, well, we're told it's pretty easy to rent one in New Orleans.
Bruce Springsteen, "It's Hard to Be A Saint in the City" Actually, it's still pretty easy to be a Saint in New Orleans, even after that heartbreaking loss. You could probably even get away with it in Indianapolis, which is a pretty laid-back town. Philadelphia, on the other hand...
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"Do You Know What It Means to Miss New Orleans?" Punctuation is important, so it's probably best if we added a comma in between "Miss" and "New." As in, "Do you know what it means to miss [out on a Lombardi Trophy], New Orleans?" You will on Sunday, we're afraid.